Me, Myself & I

Y am I doin this to myself?

2010-08-11T08:32:00.001+08:00

Waking up feeling heartbroken again and I guess this week is goin to be a tough week for me..
even though I have to work for four days only...

It is the midweek and still feeling broken..

I am lost and no idea what I should do?

H can you tell me what are you thinking of?
Tell me please.. I am goin crazy everytime I think about it..

I misses you so much.. my whole life is slowing down and soon it will come to stand still.. w/o next to me.. I just feel so difficult..

O Lord.. hear my cry and lead me to him ...

Four years later and I am back

2010-08-10T08:17:00.001+08:00

Four years later and I am back on this blog.

I feel so tired and hate myself a lot..

Me and H are no longer as a couple but I just cant let it go.

I love him so much this memories I have I refuse to erase and I just wanna hold on to it forever...

But I know by doing this I will lost all my smile, my laughter, my feelings.. and I become a lifeless person who just looking forward the next day and the next day.

I love you, H and I not sure you ever remember my blog? I tried to delete it.. but I just cant..

Memories with u and me kept holding me and hopping that.. we can be together again..

Drowning in my own dream

2010-08-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

been long time..
so long that i cant even remember it anymore..

I frozen part of my dream and part of my me is locked there too..
I kept running round in circles.. and not able to get out the dream maze i constructed for myself.

I fallen so deep that even when i am awake i still feel part myself in it..
part of me so afraid to be awake.. and fear to lose it..

the dream i have with you is so clear like crystal clear that i even believe that we were meant to be together..
i am not obsessive but is the dream that kept repeating itself.. to and fro..

the white wedding dress..
the white church..
the bed of white petals lying nicely on the walking lane..
you were there.. in your white suit.. smiling at me...
but as i get closer the further i was from you..
and you still standing there.. smiling happy..
for what reason are u so happy.. when i couldnt get close to u...

Hi and Bye

2007-05-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

hi and bye to you follks I hve make up my mind and leaving this blogging! I hve found better place that will help me mre on inspiring to move towards my dream! and many thanks to all folks who read my blog..
Special thanks to my cousin.. Love you lots.. will let u knw where i hve gone but wont announce it here! Hve my own reason...

N special evil thanks to Miss T! I really cherish your friendship while working together with you! I hve to be sorry and be mean to you! I will not forgive you for all the things u done! I alwys believe in Karma what goes around will come around! Maybe not nw! but I knw it will! I hve been wanting to write this to you for so long! If I do this too serious, you start bitching abt me! Go ahead and do it! My conscience is clear! Very thk you for your "Kind little action". May it be Karma back to you 10times!

That a very special thanks to you!

Thanks around!

Sure glad to be bck here

2007-03-31T23:07:00.000+08:00

Hi Everyone,

Iam bck and bck for gd..

Hve been busy though and i guess is not a good reason.. any way I hope u guys didnt forget me..

chat with u guys ..

Love

Losing my Sense

2006-10-01T14:48:00.000+08:00

i am Losing my sense in drawing.. it has gone worst whn i getting bck drawing Victorian paint.. I feel lost right now and I cant find back the magical connection that I once used to have. I do not know why or how this happen??

I have the vision .. I have the pics.. I can feel the emotion of it... but the drawing jst not right.. I could see the vision clearly.. but then on paper it turn out all wrong.. Why .. why is this happening to me ..

I am losing my sense.. the sense that I once to have and proud to have..

Its seems to be "deteroriating.." and its like another part of me is "vanishing" away..

I fear that this day will cme .. whn I cant draw and write anymore..

Maybe you wont understand.. but soon you do .. whn u realise the passion u once have .. hve been drawn away frm you .. day by day without your notice...

Strange feeling

2006-09-30T15:22:00.000+08:00

Its AGAIN been a month I have not log into blog..

It have been a tough month for me.. where I have to juggle betwn going hospital to look after my dad and work.. I cried many times whenever I sees my dad in such a bag of bone stage..
Sigh what has happen...

Tdy waking feeling sad and tears kept wanting to dash out.. but I put it to a stop.. Guess I am tired or maybe I just sick of staying where I am right now.. Just wanna get out of here and settle down in a rural place.. where I can sit down just watching the train goes by..

Well that only a "fantasy" that I alwys have when I just wanted to shun away frm my responbilites..

Been thinking.. what has stopped me from breathing to my dream world.. is it the work?

Mmm.. sometimes I just want to do 100 and one things at the same time.. as not waste any single day of my life.. But too bad I AM!

Sickening me.. writing this sickening blog..

Sigh.. when I JUST STOP begin so sickening..

Get up BITCH.. time to work you way..

Sounded like i am insercuity of life.. Well I dun knw..

Moving on now..

Monday a MC day for me

2006-08-21T12:31:00.000+08:00

I hve not been logging for a while to be exact - 1mth 5days that is how long I have been blogging on. One simple reason is I am so tired down with work that freezes my brain from blogging!

21st Aug - it is a struggle for me to get myself out frm bed due to the bad cough I am having during the nite! I only manage to get into dream land when its time for me to go to work! Sigh.. I sms my mentor telling I be on MC.
Instead of getting real solid rest, I plan it a day I be out blogging n running on the threadmill! i just cant sit dwn n relaz n do nothing.. it jst make me feel more sick and nauesa.. getting real solid relaz.. will make me feel better! :) Sounded like I cheated on my MC.. (chukle).

It have been a good day so far where I basically do not hve a mind of work but a mind thinking and reworking on my plan in getting rich and fit at the same time!
I would say I love working where I am but then the pay really doesnt allow u to survive.. thus I should look into greater details.. how shld I go about churning n multiply my salary I hving! Well dun get the wrong idea I would dump my salary into Toto or 4ds or gambling footballs.. that definitely not my cup of tea.... Well I starting to work on it and if it really succeed definitely I will blog abt it and let the whole blogspot knw abt my success ;) Haha I sounded so cocky!

Running.. panting.. avoiding..

2006-07-16T13:49:00.000+08:00

Work right now are getting heavier and more responsbilities to carry on my shoulder. Every day is a routine for me now to get to work at 7am and knock off at 7pm.. this the life that I am rooted to and I not happy about it.. Reports, reports are all I have to rush and meet the deadline.. Well I would say some reports are just useless and redundant.. but what can I say.. I just a small fried ikan bilis waiting to be eaten up.. Due to the sitmulanteous of work load, I start to acting not myself... I became hot temper easily and vent my on people around me unnecessaries.. sigh..

Whenever things get crazy and nothing seems to go my way,I tend to go into hibernation by locking myself in my room. And I know if I keep acting this way every time a difficult situation comes up, I will never be able to conquer the obstacles in my life. What I kept reminding myself, "What I really need to do is face my troubles and fears head-on. There are up and down points in life. I must learn to deal with the down points. If I keep ducking from them, I will miss out on a great deal in the long run."

I dont know how long I can survive like this.. I guess it is time for me to learn yoga.. :)

Dreams.. my Strange dream..

2006-06-26T16:10:00.000+08:00

Dreams continue to be a big part of my life today.

Yesterday night, I have a very weird dream..

I dreamt that I was on a half day leave due to the fact I was really sick.. I wanted to cross the busy road to get to other side to catch a bus home.. but then both of my feet was numbed and couldnt move at all.. each time as the road was cleared, I tried to cross.. but my leg just couldn't help me.. Soon after a few attempt.. my leg start to move freely, thus I took this opportunity to run across.. jst then in the middle way through.. my leg started to feel numb again.. oh gosh.. Worst still there were two buses coming at my direction.. I kept telling myself.. 'Run quick Regina.. Run.." I miss the first bus.. but not for the second one.. but then..soon when I awoke .. I was in another place.. lying on a double decker bed that made of woods.. and saw the window hanging two beautiful sunflowers but in the middle was an attached of flower..
When I awoke, I started to feel my leg to ensure they are not numbed.. yeah they werent.. BUT.. I saw red spots all over my pair of legs.. started from my thigh and run down all the way to my ankle.. it really freak me out.. and infront of the double decker.. I saw a Chinese doc lady talking to this 100kg man.. who seem to have some illness too.. The Chinese doc lady.. was telling him to take this .. and that.. and on the table it lay differnt types of fruits.. I felt strange and decided to walk down.. and the chinese doc and the 100kg guy seem to be busy and didnt took any notice.. so when I stepped out of my room.. I saw my mum.. and she took was taking similar medication that the chinese doc was recommending.. I walked up to her and started complaining abt the red spots found on my leg.. and then.. I woke up!

Isnt it strange.. but wat really caught my eye was the two stalk of sunflowers with the purple flower in the middle.. what is that.. i wonder.. but then to interpret this I must.. read up on all the symbols that i see in my dream.. as to give a bigger pic.. sigh..

"It is likely that you have been having some unusual ones lately, and you can't help but wonder about their significance. You may be fascinated by what you discover. And remember: dream interpretation is an art, not a science. Do your research to get a general idea about the meanings of things rather than trying to do a direct interpretation. "

Getting Stronger..

2006-06-26T15:54:00.000+08:00

Despite all the tired days dragging myself to work.. calling, chasing, meetings.. I still able to stand up and remind myself.. "Regina, you still have another part of you..another part of you that waiting for you to revive it.. "

Constant reminders and constant self talking doesnt motivate me much enough into getting the other part of me.. Till then when I check my bank acct and over the years the huge load of money that going down to zero.."Shit!! is all I could say.. " I just cant stand myself.. from zeros to none .. thats what I becoming... That's really freak me out.. !! I want none of it.. not going to play that role is poor bitch.. Something have to be done!

Fear, rejection is what I could think about everyday.. looking and finding another part of you, afterall is not that easy.. Sometimes, ppl are lucky they knw their calling and be what they want.. but ppl for us are not.. we have vivid pics of what we want .. but then fear comes in.. and next rejection.. why is that so.. bcos we think high and mighty of ourselves.. thus failure is unacceptable to us!

But now.. things are changing, why fear.. why wait.. not going to allow this negative thoughts to embrace me..

And now I reach a turning point, and an old fear suddenly loses its grip on me. All that work I've been doing has paid off, and my insecurities suddenly seem less all-encompassing than they once did.

Well done Regina.. be Ahead.. be daring!

The THING...

2006-06-24T10:24:00.000+08:00

This thing had been in me for quite sometime..its hard to explain and hard to tell or understand why it is happening to me.. Sometime I really want to step into another part of my world to understand it.. But how? I still in search for the answer!

The thing.. or maybe I should not call the thing.. anyway.. its about the sixth sense that I have..its not so obvious or that strong as Nostradum who forsee the future.. My sixth sense alwys come and goes esp if there are serious problem that happen to people I care and love...

I remember back in my poly days, I have this close friend whom I wanted to help her badly.. Everyday I would lunch with her, help her in studies and meanwhile increasing her confidence that the world is not that bad after all.. Then one day, while I was in church I saw a vision in my head.. I saw her weeping away and looking drained out. Soon when I got home, I gave her a call to check on her.. Truth enough, she was weeping and she was surprised by the call I make to her.

And another incident, it came thru in my sleep as dream..but then this dream, I have to study and understand every symbol that show up.. but then when I am able to reveal the meaning.. it jst happen! Sigh...

Conclusion : this thing have been in me have becoming stronger and before any call or message comes to me, I know what is the next move.. but sometimes I just doubt it and when I doubt it I lose it.. Thus right now, I really wanna walk on the other side of my world to understand how can I use it.. of course for the good course!

But how?

Positive People at Negative Environment

2006-06-17T17:39:00.000+08:00

Recently, I was real stress up by work.. as my working attitude are the cause of it. I am a person with full of energy and wanting to get things right at the very first place. But then the team you are working in doesnt really allow you to excel that well and causes you to be negative drain up. I get really frustrated with ppl who have no sense of urgency and the initative to get things rolling.. Sigh.. That's me! And that why I got so drained up..

Thank goodness.. I have a very good friend L, I alwys msn L whenever I really very drained up at work.. L will alwys have L's way of making me smile or laugh out at the computer screen.. where my nearby colleague thought I am going crazy.. Yeah sooner later .. I will be Regina- the bersek queen.. Well with L around and L positive mind.. it jst teaches me to relax.. N will never forget what L said to me the other day.. Why get angry and it will kill billions of your good cells.. wow.. !! Thats true why didnt I ever thought of that.. L you are brillant haha.. and I laugh it out..

Long Long time

2006-06-04T13:51:00.000+08:00

Have been a month I have not been blogging... well cant really come out a good reason why.. I wanted to come in and blog.. but each time I am in.. my mind jst went blank.. guess this is the first sympton to show how stress you are :)..

Well about work, it starting to become a nightmare for me.. I hardly could fall asleep and when I do.. I will be dreaming about delays.. wrong data key in the FC.. and many more.. once I even break into cold sweat and wanted to scream but ended up coughing.. thats how badly I was..
I guess this mst be part of working life.. sigh..

Recently, I have been thinking of someone.. someone is someone that have been lingering in my mind for over 3 years.. It has been 3years and I do not understand why.. why each time as I close my eyes to sleep, I will see his face.. I kept asking myself.. why do my mind kept flashing back the memories I have with him.. this is similar and what happen to A.. Thk god I manage to find back A and ask for his forgiveness.. and now it is him.. But why? I do not understand. .. I kept thinking about his goodness.. why why?? Can somebody explain to me? What harm have I done to him? I do not knw..

Life comes and goess.. the more I long for stability the further it goes.. no matter how hard I try .. i jst miss it.. Sigh..

There are so many things in my mind.. they seem to be so near yet so far.. and how shld I conquered all.. I ask..Mind jst all fill up with qns here and there.. what should I do ?/

Any way with all the above ranting.. wld love to share with you.. there is one mre new thing coming into my life and I have been waiting for all my life since the day when I took up the challenge completing the Mac Ritche run and came in 3rd.. I have took up the Shape run06, I signed up for the catogery of 5km run.. This is the greatest challenge that I have done so far.. do you guys it might meant nothing.. but to me it meant a lot.. its like a small girl trying to complete her dream.. part of it...

Hence now I doing more cardio training and taking more supplement to make myself grow.. Now I have exactly a month to go before the race start.. and trying hard to shake of this huge mass in my body.. thus to run faster.. but then during the midst of my training, my old knee problem has come back to haunt me.. Neverthless.. I still pursue the goal to win the 5km.. jst treat it as no pain no gain.. :)

Ok thats all I have to share..
Love you guys..

Write and Write and write and..........

2006-04-29T10:16:00.000+08:00

I have not been blogging for a long time and there are many reasons to why.. firstly my current co dun allow us to access into this area.. secondly since D was out of town, I felt so mmm how shld i describe .. mmm better. I dun knw why even though he has gone for 3 weeks, I dun really feel the pinch of not having him around.. and get to have more time to myself..

The past 3 weeks I hve been spending it all alone to myself without anyone interference.. beside a few little horny messages frm this guy whom... i have very little idea what he is like... well i just simply bo chap loh.. haha..

Now I am back to again here sitting at the com typing blogs.. letting out my feelings flow..

well what feeling? mmm not too sure.. I guess i am simply to complacment to able to sit dwn and jst relax.. hahah

This whole week I gonna get back my energy and start doing my rountine... :)

Its Dangerous

2006-04-15T10:13:00.000+08:00

Well.. its all just a potrait of lies and goodness when I started this job. Things started to reveal itself... the explosivness of this job. This is just like sitting on the rollercoaster, it will bring you round and round without any warning when it will come to halt at a high point and plunge you down within a split seconds.

This is the job that I am doing, that allows me to die of heart attack at the earliest age.

Some said that this job has no life.. you come in as early as before the birds could go chirpping and you go back as late as you sees moon and stars blinking high up in the night...

Well I actually don't mind coming in early and leaving real late. .. but then again I can come in early but not leaving late.. as the end of the day... my blood bank in my body jst drop to the negative.. cant think of anything.. anymre at any time...

Some ppl jst love it some ppl jst hate it... and me getting to the neutral..

I dont knw why I do see myself working there long..

Despite of all the above.. I just gonna stay there ;)

WHY????????WHY????

2006-04-08T10:08:00.000+08:00

I am tired.. frustrated..
why why.. why am i so so pissed off..
i wonder why some people can take it easily and some cant
i want to be like what i used to be..
brave.. super stubborn and hack care..
sigh.. as soon as i grow older i no longer able to keep up with it.. WHY??

Pissed off .. damn pissed off..

2006-04-08T10:06:00.000+08:00

Pissed off .. damn pissed off..
So pissed off that I want to scream all those vulgarities out.. A-Z.. 0-9.. and in those different languages…
I dun knw y I am so emotional yst.. I cried …
I cried when I walking down Orchard Road..
I cried while on the mrt down AMK..
I cried on bus 88 hm..
I cried while watching my favourite drama on channel 8..
Finally I stopped crying when going to bed.. as I was tired..
Sigh.. How can I be so stupid and let myself toil in this emotional mess..
Where is the LOVE?
I dun knw…
Again I want to cry.. oh man dun cry here not at work .. It sucks .. Its Mon again..

Hate THIS feeling

2006-04-08T10:05:00.000+08:00

Sob Sob.. Tears kept running down in my heart..

The sharp pain that comes and go is getting worse..

My breathing becomes heavier and heavier..

I hate this.. HATE it so much..

The more I tried to pull closer, the more it kept pushing me away..

why.. why.. why..

why do this force want to repel XX..

why can't be closer to XX??

why oh why..

with these why.. I knw that XX not the....

Let it go.. just let it...

Let buried it.. buried it...

XXXX

27th Mar _ what a BAD DAY

2006-04-08T10:04:00.000+08:00

Today.. it started off with the word BAD.. firstly it rains in the morning and causes a small jam while going to work and while transferring bus to work I missed 2 buses and which is frustrating.. I jst don't understand y.. y am I penalised for begin early at the bus stop and I still cant get on to my bus.. sigh and eventually I reached my work place at exactly 830am.. sianz..

Another part is work kept rejecting bck to me and it is so irritating.. I do hve a nice mentor.. but is not good enough to educate me the whole process.. I need to knw and understand the critical key points in order to excel well.. sigh.. and my mentor cant see it.. sigh.. Bcos of this.. I am so disappointed in myself.. y y ?? Y am i so stupid and not able to identify the whle process myself?

Last this is the most hurtful.. I dun knw.. is it bcos A has moved my heart? All this time.. when I am stressed or feel like bursting out.. I hve the urge to sms A.. and tell A all abt it.. but I resist it.. I jst want to drink it out.. again another bad choice.. I asked myself.. search my heart .. y ..y?? I cant jst tell that someone.. Dun i love him? I do.. but some how rather I still can't break the barrier.. jst to tell him.. how I feel.. blah blah..
Now A.. told me that gf found out we are chatting.. blah blah.. and I told A I wont mind back out.. and stop talking to A.. I can.. cos I feel that I am cheating on someone.. which is not rite..
But then even I said like this.. my heart hurts.. sigh.. the feeling is like u r begin dump..

Does Fit impt or the Style impt to U?

2006-03-18T11:30:00.000+08:00

Well.. finally the course on becoming the next top Assistant Merchandising has ended.. Now we are thrown to the deep sea for the next Amazing race.. It will end around end of June 06... thats where we will really know who are the tough Survivors.. :O..

So far so good.. not here to start my ranting.. but here with my pea brain to debate on :
Fit Vs Style..

Well firstly forgive my command on English.. didnt really get an A1 for it.. but a C5.. hee hee..
Ok here its goes..
Many of my friends that I have come across and that I have gone shopping with... they love to make this serious mistake, that cause them to throw money away .. They look at the style of the clothes rather than the fit or the cutting they choose.. Well I agree that people first look on you is on the style of your clothes then by the cut. But have you ever notice.. Notice what? Haha.. notice on the reaction of the other people when they commented the style of your clothes.. was it a big WOW!!! or was it yeah it look nice.. Think it again..
Think twice.. or thrice.. or.. k .. k ..

Well.. I am very sure their reaction was yeah it look nice.. but without the WoW factor.. am I rite to say?

And then now think back on the clothes.. maybe a dress or maybe a blouse that you wore once that given others a WoW! factor on you..
Well do you ever ask why? the syle might not look nice but how can it still bring out the WoW factor in you... Its simple..its bcos of the fit.. WAIT stop there.. dun wan to hear a word.. Cos you might think the definition of FIT is .. as long as you are getting the correct size.. for eg.. I usually wear S.. and which means I have to wear S as it will fit on me nicely.. Well this definition that you are having rite now.. pls pls go to your C drive.. press and empty your bin.. thats not the rite definition when you are buying clothes..

Fit = Cut.. well there are many different type of cut as you could see I am refering to the fashion and not refering to the slice cut.. dice cut that are commonly use in cooking..
Fit = types of cut that fit nicely on certain body celluite..
eg.. broad shoulders should where a V- cut clothes ... something like this.. Not expert in the terms on the type of cuts.. but I do know how to see with one look whether it fits you nicely..

After finding a fit cut on you then you look at the style.. the patterns.. colors and etc..

Of course the ultimate result that you want to give to ppl with
Two WoW WoW factors = Good Fit + Nice style...

So always rember that..

I am still undergo training on this.. well feed you guys with mre info abt this..

Thats all for now!

Long Long - Summary,...

2006-03-13T17:22:00.000+08:00

Well as you can see that I have not been online regularly to blog my thoughts out.. so thus this post is going to be a long one..

On Last Tuesday...
Gone to catch a movie with my buddy.. on that day before we decided to watch which time slot and where.. I was texting him that one of my classmate might be joining us for the movie.. and roughly told him to give me until noon and I will finalise the ans..
So noon came.. I kept pestering my classmate if she still keen on watching the movie with us.. as my buddy and I do not mind at all..
well.... since its noon.. so i text my buddy : " Aiya jst buy tickets for both of us. " (do you know what i MEAN?) well at that moment I didnt realise that this is an open answer..
So what happen was my buddy bought 3tickets.. Damn it.. the above sms I actually meant was to buy ticket for you and me.. Oh gosh.. to make up this open answer I gave I have to pay him the extra ticket money..

Moral of the story.. be clear of what you are saying.. and stop thinking that other party will have the same frequency as you... (this imply to the working life too)
By the way.. we watch the Underworld Revolution.. oh man I love to watch action show.. esp it is a super herione show.. Girl power way to go...

On Wed nite..
Well that week is gonna be last week to give tuition to the Bean's family.. why I call them the Bean family.. bcos this two boys love to watch Mr Bean.. and they claim that they are Mr BEANS.. so yeah its not me who gave them the nick..
Anyway.. that nite I was asking the P1 boy to do some quiz for me.. and while he was doing... all of the sudden.. he started saying.. : "I can't .. I can't.. my koo koo bird is tired.. " I was shocked when I first heard what he said.. and I beg my pardon again.. and it went like that : " Aiya I mean My COCK.. My COCK.. is very tired... " That puzzle me.. how can your cock be tired? Well what he meant was he is very urgent and need to go to the loo.. Almak..

Looking at the way he talk.. really shock me.. he is P1 and its really very crucial for him to speak proper English..
So looking at him like this.. I told myself.. it is really time for me to re look in my vocab and grammar bank... which I have yet to master a good foundation..

On thurs nite..
Nothing much talk about.. went to try for my new class.. spinning.. it was real good despite the fact I slipped twice and hit hard on my right knee cap..

On Fri nite..
Have been thinking a lot thou.. well its again my M problem despite the fact that it comes on a regular basics.. but what irritate me is .. I am not able to function esp on my 2nd day.. trying my best to function properly by doing my daily rountines.. but it still fail to give me the strength.. I wonder y is this happening.. it really dry up .. drain away all my energy.. and with my this new job I really need my energy.. cant go on like this... Yet to find a solution will start searching for one soon..

On Sat..
Gone to watch Army Daze with D.. and his friends.. it was a good one.. Laugh till you drop.. it have the mixture of hokkien and singlish in it..
I was so so surprise about the acting skills of the whole crew.. why I said that.. well I never agree that Hosen Leong is a good actor and really hate to see him in the black box.. it goes the same for Richmond.. and Selena.. I find that they are too dramatic and over expressive when they are on TV..
But that nite.. it really mke my jaw drop.. they did a real good job.. I guess they have the magical touch on stage but not on TV.. so from now onwards I definitely support our local theatre prdtion and dropped away the idea that they can't make it..
Thumbs up for them..

On sun..
Cousin's wedding.. drag going wedding.. I dun knw why.. maybe its bcos the fact that I can't choose my own table and whom I want to sit with.. ended sitting with my god parents.. my mum.. my third relatives and godma's sister.. yeah so can u imagine a quarter century old person sitting down there.. damn bored rite..

Nevertheless my god pa and 3rd uncle manage to draw me into their conversation.. "What is wrong with the young ppl.." Well both of my uncles have been working in the management for over 10years and the U or poly grad they have interview over the past few years.. the only conclusion they gave was.. "The quality in this ppl can deteoriating.." I do agree with them.. where mst of the time they are begin fed and rather begin told to go out and hunt... and blah blah..

But as for me.. I not the type who want to be fed as I have a mind set of alwys want to be the first thus it is naturally for me.. to go out and hunt first before anyone does.. but then.. again.. I dun knw i alwys step back.. I guess is bcos I think too much..

At one pt at the dinner, I asked my godpa.. "Do u knw y.. mum is like ?" All this years.. I hve been trying hard to walk out the shadow of my mum... I trying to be detach from her..
I do forgive her abt the past.. but now is time for me trying to forget every detail.. I am .. back to my qns to god pa.. his answer... well I shall not said.. it sad to hear... but any way I am really ready to go out and fight on my own.. so it doesnt matter anymre what my family think of me..

I want to walk out from that shadow..

Thats all..
Damn long sorry.. lah.. ;)

Feels good...

2006-03-05T13:27:00.000+08:00

I consider this as my first Sun of my life.. that I felt so free.. no burdence and no worries..
Things are getting back right on track.. Thank god for that..

I started to realise that I mourn less about my past.. and taking a bigger step in moulding a new me.

In the past.. I kept holding on tightly on to bad events that happened 18years ago... I definitely want to and wld love to let go.. why hold on and make urself look so complicated.. I just want a simple life.. where there are alwys bread on the table, friends you can hold onto, beautiful rainbow hanging outside you window and definitely once in a while having thunderstorm. No one life is perfect if you have the chance to glimpse into.. Rich people has their own problem and so do to the poor people.. in other words they are the same.. is jst how they perceive it...

Finally tdy, when I woke up.. feeling so refresh.. no headache.. looking foward to this day..

I am so proud of myself taking the big step to let go the big bag of burdence of my shoulder and in exchange of a pair of wing. A pair of wing to let me fly freely and living a simple life that alwys want to.

May this pair of wing be strong to allow me to fly till the day I gone.

Let's fly now ;)

Summary of my whole- Dwn to 3weeks...

2006-03-03T17:31:00.000+08:00

Yahoo! Thank God another week has gone..
Well I meant it in a positive way though.. this whole week was a real good one.. Learn a lot of things.. Cant imagine that the clothes we aer wearing there are so many different types of fabric.. and all have names.. Duh.. *sweat* sweat* we were given abt 68 different type of fabrics and we have to remember them within a day..
Heng..heng.. during the quiz I got one wrong out of 18.. Yeah well done..

Following day.. we continue to talk about fabrics.. and how the fabric cut into garment and guess what garment also need to be put "make up" too before it can be sold into the market.. Yah.. surprise.. Hee..

The best day was Thursday.. wow we went round singapore.. went to garment factories.. embiodery.. and many mre lah.. so tiring.. but I give thumb up.. its a real good field trip..

And guess what we do today.. we do sewing and drafting.. cool man.. got the chance to use electrical machine.. At first, I was real nervous told my partner to go ahead and use first.. After seen her done her first lock stitch and nothing happening.. I decided its my turn and sure to do better.. hahah..
We spent one whole morning to understand how this machine works and type of stitches produce.. and the whole afternoon we were drafting out a T-shirt and short.. I did well for the shorts but not for the T-shirt.. Guess it will come out look small and the sleeve one side tight and one side loose.. lol..

But it was a real good week after all.. Nver been so happy and satisfied learning so many things..

Very sure this time round I did not make the wrong move ;)

See give me a big applause.. first time I blogged without... without.. RANTING.. yeah !

TGIF- I am back at the screen again

2006-02-24T17:41:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh.. Can you believe when I am not working.. I kept complaining how time flied.. and how I want to get back to work and get my life straight.. and how I can happily break the news to everyone that.."Hey I change job liao.. now moving closer to my dreams.." But instead of that.. I became quiet and have to warn my close cousins to leak this info out.. I dun knw y..

And now I am undergoing my 6weeks course.. It was good and now down to 5 weeks.. again I want to rant my tiredness out here.. I guess it is bcos frm 9am to 5pm, we have been learning a lot of things ... going through the long winded explaination of evrything we learn.. Oh man.. every day when I got home.. my eyes are so tired.. tired till the fact I can't force myself to stay awake for my favourite 10pm show on channel 5.. such as Desparate housewife... and that night.. i got so pissed off.. pissed off with the fact that my mind was blank.. andI cant focus on what the hell the show was talking.. thus I jst switched off and went to bed.. it happen for the next 4days.. damn tired.. tired to think of anything..

See no job complain.. no having a job also complain.. WTF is with me man..

Anyway jst read my cousin R blog.. I felt so sorry for him.. But again I won't blame him for begin like this but empathy with him.. I have been through what he is in now.. It same for me since I chnge job.. I stopped contributing to the family for a year.. cos I CANT Afford!!
Cant they see.. while bro were still studying in U.. who was the one contributing the family.. It was me.. Why I chose Poly n not U.. is bcos I knw my parent cant pay anymre.. so I went there.. not bcos I cant.. I can.. and beside that I pay off all the fees with what I earn when I started working when I was 17yrs old.. what mre do they want..
Now of course lah.. since bro graduated that should pay why me? I now very selfish when comes to $$ with my parents.. I dont why.. but I guess is bcos they have to learn a hard way.. in the past ... I was alwys the one.. now is THM!! NOT ME!!

Sigh I dun knw what am I talking abt also..

I love my family also.. but I realise in this family I alwys the one making initative.. I mature fast and see thing in a very adult way.. in the past I make a lot of scarfices.. which no one knw.. sigh.. I felt hurt whenever M say hurtful things to me and never stand up for me.. now I am gonna quarter century old.. I have decided that all this things shld be stopped.. Sorry for this.. but end of the day I have to think for myself.. cos no one in my family will..

I wanted to blog on what I have learn this week.. but I guess i cant.. brain going died down soon.. Anyway its really an opening for me.. Thats all lah.. Tired sorry everybody..

Exhaustion...

2006-02-18T15:43:00.000+08:00

I think I am gonna break down soon due exhaustion...
I have been stressed up the past few months.. and I have been making myself suffering from unnecessary anixety, stress and lead to depression...
Tdy I woke up early and told my close gf C.. that I am going crazy.. bcos nothing seem to be rite at this moment..

Such as my job.. my finance.. and even my relationship with D.. I am gonna crazy.. At this point.. I would said I am in my darkest period.. where I refuse to go out and even I want to I will be damn tired.. Wo zhen de heng wu li...

The more dry up the more I went to be with D.. but then I guess like what my gf C said D just treat you like a good friend.. if not why would D want to meet up with u on Sun and thats all..
Well, I expected that do happen.. I guess I found a wrong person to lean on.. sigh..

I am waiting for my class to start soon.. it will be real soon as just nxt mon.. and I cant wait for my modelling class to be end... and hope that I (fingercross) get lots of assignment to burn my weekends.. Guess this is the wrong timing to have a relationship...

Despite the fact that I am not working.. but sometimes when I go for my workout.. I feel breathless... and suffering from migrain.. and it hurts sometimes... why this happen.. bcos I think too much and over work my brain.. Guess I should learn yoga.. get my mind clear and straight.. sigh...

My ranting is starting again.. Ok no more .. full stop here NOW!..

Mariah Carey- Fly Like a Bird

2006-02-17T12:54:00.000+08:00

Title: Fly Like a Bird Somehow I know that
There's a place up above
With no more hurt and struggling
Free of all atrocities and suffering
Because I feel the unconditional love
From one who cares enough for me
To erase all my burdens
And let me be free to
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Can we recover
Will the world ever be
A place of peace and harmony
With no war and with no brutality
If we loved each other
We would find victory
But in this harsh reality
Sometimes I'm so despondent
That I feel the need to
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Keep your head to the sky
With God's love, you'll survive
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me home
Higher Jesus
Carry me higher, Lord

Mariah Carey- The Diva

2006-02-17T12:00:00.000+08:00

Hey yesterday.. despite the fact that I am real broke and left a few hundred dollars in my bank.. I still went round the CDs shop to look for Mariah Carey's CD.. I don't know why but having the urge to hear her voice again...

I like her songs very much as some of them are compose by her and the lyrics will always be filled with her emotion, feelings and even meaning. Definitely I wont forget that terrible years that she has been through.. where she faces divorce.. a few break up.. despite her image as slutty..or maybe bitchy.. but she is a woman will only fall in love for one..

Well back to my day yesterday.. so I started off walking through Bugis Junction.. looking for her CDs.. guess what since after that Grammy award.. the price to pay her CDs shot up.. oh man.. damn ex abt $20 plus... but I was looking at below $10.. Nah I didn't buy from there.. so I move on to Bugis Village.. wow I am damn lucky man.. there is this stall selling it as 9.90 with come with a biography that talk abt HER! Of course lah.. I straight away took out my $10 and bought it.. No regrets man..

Since when I was 9yrs old, that was the first time I am in touch of English music.. and I rember the first song that heard was "All out of love", by Air Supply.. and soon later I started to fall in love with English music and start tuning my radio to FM98.7... and that was where I started to fall in love with Mariah Carey.. Celine Dion and many others..

But I still find that Mariah Carey still suit the title of Diva.. why I said that because I saluate to her great voice.. figure and even her life.. I remember at the recent Grammy award.. she said this:" Thank god.. that He came into my life. I am able to stand here is because of him.."
Yeah I fully agree..

Actually my life and Mariah Carey's life have similarities.. such as :
* we didnt really have good childhood..
* we worked hard to keep our family alive..
* we matured too fast for our age..
* we are suckers for relationship..
* we love butterflies..
* we yearn for happy ending..
* we look bitchy... but we don't flirt..
See really we have lots of similarites.. and her turning point of life is soon after she hit badly with her marriage.. and kept pushing herself.. working hard to fill up her sadness.. where eventually finally in 2001 she nearly broke down.. the finally cause when her father died of cancer.. where media started to hightlight her life.. where she has mentally and physically breakdown..

And now look at her.. coming back as one good DIVA.. see thats what I am impressed about her.. she has gone through so many turblence and still manage to stand tall.. why can't I do that too?

Look back in my life.. I think my down is not worse than her.. I have no marriage downs to worry.. but I am really sucker for relationship... I just wanna to find a guy who I can rest on when I am tired.. I just want a happy ending.. why is this so hard for me..

Has all the good guys out there being taken up? Sigh..
Sorry to say that.. yesterday night.. before I could sleep soundly.. I have been thinking.. :
* why doesnt D say the 3 words to me? or he is too scare?
* i saw D first gf.. and i realise that I do share similarities with her.. I wonder am I the substitue?
* why dosent D miss me?
* why.. why.. why.. ?
Oh gosh.. see I am worrying for nothing.. I should stop that.. but I guess is hard.. sigh..
Anyway a few mre days to go.. I will be starting my course.. hopefully I am detached from D!!

Age 25- Is that another turning pt of my life?

2006-02-16T12:19:00.000+08:00

Remember when I was 13years old, that year was critical to me as it determine life and death. Thank god, He came into my life and save me. From that day, that year it became my first turning point of my life.

My great changes during that year was tremendous. I disciplined myself to study for at least four hours and even drew out my own time table on what subject to touch on for the day. I spent my hours wisely and removed the need to watch drama series that was hot on the TV. Soon later, my result has prove to others that I AM NOT STUPID.. and every year I manage to get scholarship from the government.

My teenage life went well.. didnt went astrayed even though I alwys hang out with a group of drug addict.. ah lians.. even in gang. I was really determined to get my life straight and proved to M that I am not as bad as she alwys think I am..

But I guess.. and didnt notice that.. my life is going down slope.. when I started working out.. There wasnt much trouble in finding a job soon after I graduate.. and also no trouble for me to job from one job to another. I have taken my life lightly.. and started drinking and clubbing as much as want..

shop till I drop.. play till I drop was my my motto..

I guess I should have saw the red alert but I chose to annoy and continue my life as dun worry that lot of cash outside.. and beside that it will nvr be a problem for me to find another job..

Finally.... CRASH!!! I fall real hard on the field that filled with weeds.. It hurts.. and my whole body was bruised and wounded... and when I gain back my conscious.. I still refused to face the fact that I going to be hit badly.. I still continue to live a life that I believed..

I would said my pride was high.. my face was as thick as cow skin... and I refused to let myself down..

Month passes by.. the need of $$ was there.. and fear start creeping into me.. I started spending my time in St Andrew Church.. praying for God's mercy for me.. I was scared.. I felt so alone and cold.. Insomina also started visiting me night after night...

Then one night.. I realised something.. I have learned a value lesson...
: I am a damn bitch who refused to live a humble life.
I am a damn bitch who refused to believe that you pay what you work
I am a damn bitch who believe in striking rich fast...
and the next day, I went to church and so happen that have this sermon on The purpose driven.. something in this sermon struck me.. "To be on the top.. is not an overnight thing.. it is through humble and years to be there... " yeah I agree.. and all this while I was stupid.. alwys believe that I be lucky all the time...

Guess what this year is not going to be lucky for me .. but definitely it is going to be my turning pt of life.. definitely..

I will alwys keep this in mind:

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."

Now I going to give myself 5years.. this 5years gonna be a good one.. as I not going to forget this day.. how I got myself in this deep shit!!!

Lust... and Desire.. Aint e sme?

2006-02-14T10:07:00.000+08:00

A few days back.. I was busy sms A during one of my sleepless nite.. Why did I sms him? Well of course there are reasons in everything I do..

I dont want to become the third party into A's life.. like I said before I treat A as a friend and nothing more.. beside that I thought that after talking things out and remain as friend is a good choice.. but it seem that it did not get into A's brain.. A said that he wants me and blah blah..
I told him isnt this lust? and his reply was NO..its desire.. Duh.. what do u mean there is a different betwn lust and desire.. NO I dont think so..

Lust is not a nice word as compare to desire.. this is what I define.. so in conclusion they are the same.. no different..

And any way this how I feel about D: Despite your wild imagination and your overflowing energy, Regina, you are still able to use good judgment when it comes to your relationships. Is it possible you have lost some of your faith in the future recently? Do you feel like there is something missing in your personal life? If you know just the right to path to take, love will revitalize you and give you back your faith in life. ( seriously I do not knw)

Guess I mst be stressing myself too much.. relax.. breathe in and out.. ;)

Where is the LOVE?

2006-02-09T11:31:00.000+08:00

Mmm.. Not too sure you guys remember about A.. A that I talk about in one of my post.. I guess is about a few months ago..

Well I am glad that I pluck up my courage to talk to A through MSN and now through SMS.. The past 2years A has been lingering in my mind.. all I wanted was to tell A I am sorry for the trouble I caused and really hope that A will forgive me.. But thank goodness last year NOV I finally talk to A and beg him for forgiveness.. Well.. at first everything was cool and A does forgive me and gradually excepted me as friend... I was really happy.. overjoyed that A finally forgive me..

Eventually, I guess things got out of hand again.. and A start to pour out everything that A has been feeling for the past 2years... and started with this SMS:

A: Well its better to have a choice then none right.. so I guess you would understand how I feel...
RG: K k. lah I understand...
A: I didnt meant about work..
RG: HUH?? then you meant ... (RG pause for a while)... L??
A: Yes..
RG ( shock.. ): What do you mean.. care to explain mre?
A: You should knw better.. I still ... I felt I could be happier if...
RG: I am very sorry about what happen in the past.. and I am happy for you rite now as you have somebody who really L.. so do cherish.. what happedn in the past is my fault.. I should not hve listen to what other said but ME!.. and when you meant you could be happier is referring begin with me?
A: Yes true, but the problems is not that you listen to people, it's that you listen to the wrong people and take what they say as true.. I think we both would have been happier maybe.. I thought you were the one..
RG in thoughts.. I never know that this how you feel about me.. you never told me.. and gosh.. I your one.. why is this happening..
RG: Sorry about that.. really I shock.. dun know what to say..
..... ..... waited for a few minutes.. no reply from A..
RG: Hahah .. I have a very bad idea.. lets have an affair.. LOL.. jst joking :P
A: Sorry its true.. and also there has not been a day when I foot think about you and what might happen btwn us. I'm not just saying that. It is true. Man I've wanted to tell you that for so long now....
Red light alert.. red alert ...
Something struck RG.. she start to think back.. "I guess the greater barrier in a relationship is to speak out what your heart feel.. and if we are able to do.. then all this unhappiness will not happen.. "
RG immediately sms C: Hi girl.. you should start talking even it fail.. keep trying.. dun give up..

A: So how do you feel?
RG: Lost and yah I feel touch by what you told me.. How about you?
A: Mmm.. same.. you are not helping...LOL.. especially when u mention an affair.. You drive me crazy..
RG: Sorry.. please do cherish what you have.. I have learnt a lesson.. once you hve it you forgotten to cherish it.. but once you lose it you see the beauty in it and regret.. please don't make any silly mistake. As I knw you do love her.
A: So is that a long way of writing that you just want to be friends? Is an affair too much?
RG: Affair? Y? You don't love her?
A: I knew you would say that. U did mention it first. Yes I do love her. Sorry, I just don't knw what I want..
RG paused.. and this gave her mre encouragement to start talking things out with D.

A: ok well u know how I feel now. And I knw how you feel, so I guess we jst live with it. Friends?
RG: Yah.. live with it..

And it ended.. a good lesson that I have learn..
So I guess its never rite or wrong to pour out what your heart feel abt the other half.. Like I said before no one is perfect.. hence we need the tolerance and also the vice versa communication.. Its impt!

Christy's thoughts

2006-02-08T14:12:00.000+08:00

Christy's thoughts..... quite like her blog...

Drink Drank Drunk.. Damn Drunk!!!!!!!!

2006-02-08T13:48:00.000+08:00

Yst.. supposed to meet D.. but then D cldn't meet up bcos D need to work OT.. so therefore cancel... I was damned SAD... emotionally I feel like breaking down.. Like I said before I dont really understand D well and no idea what is D thinking abt.. sad sob sob..

So decided to drown my sadness somewhere.. so again my urge to Drink Drank Drunk.. and this time round really get myself drunk.. The usual me who nvr enjoy drinking Martini and Gin.. drank a lot of that.. many many.. to get myself drunk.. the feeling was good.. at first .. but till the last part when I want to puke but I cant puke.. that is how shit I feel..

At that point when I was high.. i start to recall my life as young as * till now @$.. (hee try break the code)... I nver have easy childhood.. and my most darkest secret (for almst 17yrs) is still yet to let out.. eventually yst when I txt my close gf C.. she called me immediately.. and I told her..
I dun knw why.. but i jst want to let it out.. its haunting me..

You know what sometimes I wish that I meet a car accident .. so that part of my bad memories will be rammed over... and start over a new life... I wish for that.. sigh.. Its wrong to think like this.. how can I again stand up to fight with it.. sigh..

Now I am awake.. but hving the hangover effect.. damn bad.. feel sucks now..
Now jst want to stop drinking.. FOR A WK.. or more.. the taste is terrible... right now in my stomach........

Lazy Day!

2006-02-07T16:17:00.000+08:00

Feeling very lazy now a days.. and I do not know why? Is it I getting a self employed symptoms..? I don't know... Sigh...

Past few nights I have been waking up in the middle of the nites with strange and weird dreams.. all involve with people I know.. n these people are either super glued to me or I just got to know them... The super glued to me actually talk to me and even trying to tell me something "impt" in the dream.. but when I tried to recall in the morning I couldn't.. bcos at least in a nite I would have 3-4dreams and which means I would be awoke 3-4 times.. see this is how tiring it can be... I do try to interpret what it means with the help of the internet.. dream interpretation.. but sometimes it do make sense.. but thats not the point.. the point is it come true.. AND ITS FREAKING SCARY!!!

Please please those dreams that I have recently don't come true.. bcos it eat into me and make me vulnerable... oh GOSH!!!!

---------------------------------

Something to share.. this morning when I woke up while checking for sms ... all of sudden I feel sad.. I misses D... sigh ... despite the fact that D is here... but I STILL MISS D! Sometimes I wonder.. I wonder why D is like this... is it true D is shy? I dont knw... I have knw D for mth... and if D is still SHY.. then I do not knw what to do.. BCOS I am tired TO BE alwys THE ONE asking D.. sms D..
And bcos of this.. I don't knw what D is thinking.. and I am tired.. VERY VERY VERY TIRED.. sigh.. what am I suppose do? Talk to D... I dont knw man.. bcos matter a fact I am damn straight foward person.. and shoot ppl straight DWN...

Aiya.. why my life is like that.. alwys worry abt un-necessary PROBLEM!!!

I should also go learn meditation.. may be it helps...

Ok lah.. Oops I am ranting AGAIN!!!
Anyway bcos of the above factors .. I just want to say: I AM TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Drawing.. Cool rite.. try to figure out what it MEANS!

2006-02-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

Left to right : Old Haggard Regina... Medusa...
<-----Good things nvr last

<----- Follow your desire
<---- Heaven

Its another day

2006-02-06T10:23:00.000+08:00

Cam early to the library to surf net.. I know it sounded stupid.. but then my bro's laptop have decided to kick the bucket since last year NOV.. so I have problems in accessing com.. but anyway I love coming to the library.. where Slience is GOLDEN!.. too bad there isnt any real golds for you to pick up...

Ysterday.. I dun knw why I could not sleep at all.. Turning and tossing.. thinking about stuff that happen ysterday afternoon.. sigh I guess I hve done very badly during MTP... anyway no pt of mourning over the split milk.. is done is done.. so KEEP MOVING LAH.. RG...

And this morning as I woke up... I actually woke up a few times by my dream.. and dreamt a few locations with a few ppl at different time zone.. sigh .. so when I woke up I was feeling restless again... what an another day..

Start to realise that certain part of me is changing.. I cant eat during the nite.. I have lost my appeptite esp for dinners.. and I don't know y.. I have starting my insomina.. yst wasnt the first night I couldnt sleep but it have been like these for a week.. worse still during the day, I alwys feel like puking.. and feel yucky when I see food.. yeah sounded like I am pregnant but NO NO... I guess mst be hormone problem BAH!!! Hee hee sounded I am so old.. Hormone problem..

Sigh its another day I have to hang outside.. but thank goodness I have gym and other stuff to do .. and I can sneak back during noon while mum and dad hve gone to work... thank God for that..

K K.. jst realise one mre thing.. I am talking too much here :)

Wow its over.. Phew!!

2006-02-05T15:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was really a restless day for me.. I started out home as early as 8am and went around Serangoon area to look for baking stuff and realise that there wasnt any much things I can buy for.. thus after walking an hours plus.. racking every area decided to go to Hougang central to see what stuff they have.. But too bad when I went down there the shop is yet to be open.. 10am is the opening hrs..

Time check it was 930am.. damn it got another 30mins to go.. thus decided to walk around NTUC houngang mall.. but apparently only fast food resturants and small food shop were opened.. Dun knw why.. but have the urge to eat Chai BEE HOON.. with egg and fish fillet my favourite combination.. and comes up to $2.20... Huh.. extra 20cents I see.. feel like telling the aunty.. can forgo that ... but any way pay her the exact...
Oh gosh.. I just love eating it.. it was yummy yummy.. esp the egg.. sunny-side.. but what I dun understand is .. why is outside eggs better than home cook one? That puzzle me all the time.. I love sunny side egg and everytime when mum did that .. I dun enjoy it.. it seem to hve a strange smell though...

After finished the plate of chai bee hoon.. time check it was 1000am... yahoo.. rush down and oh my god... This place is worse than the one at serangoon.. ended didnt find the stuff I needed.. so I decided that.. well I think I get the stuff another time from serangoon...

Time check again.. 1004am... ok I guess I shall make my move down to Dhoby gaut and shall start hunting for gift for tml M.T.P.. it was pretty tired bcos I walk almst 2hrs thinking what to buy and searching through every shop... but at least not bad for me.. bcos when I give myself a stringent time limit..I am able to find the right things... So it was 2 good hrs of shopping...

Time check again 1205pm.. ok time to go to gym.. as i hve body combat class at 1350pm... guess what at the gym.. while excersing my abdominal.. I nearly fall asleep.. i was so so so restless.. i dun knw y .. all of the sudden the sit up bench seem to be the right choice for me to sleep on.. lol...

Time check again.. 245pm.. oh no.. going to be late for my bible class.. rush down like mad.. but eventually reach there on time.. It was a great time spending with my mature aunties... hahah they brought a lot of goodies.. and we were like busy munching away... and when come to worship time.. all of us have a hard time to sing.. as our throat is very sore .. but was fun with them...

finally at 600pm.. its time to hit home.. so so so restless... nearly doze off while watching the chingay last night... BUT... dun knw why when i try to sleep I jst cant close MY EYES... Too cloudy.. worry abt tdy's MTP... Phew its over.. Yeah I am glad.. now I can back to myself again.. hee.. hee..

Finally Over!!! Time to put it aside and give a big smile.. :)

Just ME- RG

2006-02-03T10:45:00.000+08:00

Mmm.. well I want to further add on to what I have written yesterday regards about FREEDOM.. and these are the rules that I came up with : - which means its my rule and its JUST ME...

F= free to talk and voice out anything you see
R= Regretful is not in my dictionary,
Responsible is the key to your ownself.
E= Eat and drink while you can, LIFE is SHORT!
E= Evaluate yourself all the time as to become a better person
D= Dare to dream!
O= Open up to opportunities that lead you to your dream!
M= Me.. is all I need to care about.. listen to me, myself.. but not OTHERS!!!

The above are the newly invented rules.. Well you guys out there can create your own one too..
It act like a gentle reminder for me.. to remind me..NOT TO WASTE another second IN MY LIFE... GO out and GET IT!!!!! Yahoo....

---------------------------------------

Well feeling better now.. I have a few calls from the job agency.. guess what.. I might going back in the field as Byer.. which I have nvr like.. Damn it.. but no choice.. Living here in Singapore.. you need the damn cash $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$... and without that.. you rot like hell...

At this point, I feel suck.. like a failure.. talking big in achieving my dream.. but again set myself back in the rat race.. DAMN IT.. but nvr mind.. this is not GOING to PUSH ME DOWN..... I gonna draw up another plan.. a plan that will definitely lead me closer to my dream...

I am so glad that.. I hve the chance to explore blogging... at least I feel better each time I blog.. enjoy every moment while I type out each letters.. Mmm and all this is bcos of my wonderful cousin Y.. thank you lah.. if you are still reading my blog.. :)

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is Sunday.. is gonna to be an uneasy day for me.. its my turn to M.T.P session.. well not going to spell out what it stands for.. but definitely something nerve wrecking.. Arrgh.. Burp! I really have no idea what I should do ...

But I have imagine myself.. :
RG sitting down at the table like a vase.. smile like an idoit.. ears are shut... but smile wont wear off.. jst like putting on a long lasting lipstick... and maybe the worst part.. my face will fall flat onto the plate..

Oh gosh.. I want to be myself.. but what so good abt myself in the first place? --- I am refering to my education level... I jst a POLY GRAD.. n they are lawyers and definitely having higher degree of knowledge than I do... Oh NO!!! Gonna make a fool out of myself...

Anyway.. I should stop here.. going further will just ruin my thinking.. :)

Oh yeah good news to share.. I going to surprise my Bibile study friends.. I going for the class this sat.. I miss them a lot.. and yst I couldn't stop thinking about them.. and just want to give them my big HUGS!!!! and the following day... Sunday... is the first step of this year back to my church.. I miss HIM a lot.. I want HIS hugs too...
I have clear away some of the -ve thoughts in me.. I have to be responsible abt my life.. so you gonna start within yourself... ;)

Ok lah.. Mst be a real long entry man... Hee hee

Tiring Day...

2006-02-02T20:17:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh.. finally now I got the chance to sit down in front of computer and start doing all my nonsence.. such as gossiping online with my friends.. reading up other ppl's blog... checking out my junk mail and etc...

Today is real tiring day.. I have been out since morning.. firstly I tried to organise my time to match my gf's one.. as she has an interview in the morning and later we went round International Plaza.. to do our job hunting... We started from the highest floor and down to the lowest to send in our hard copy resume.. but then I guess we are a bit outdated lah.. almost half the job agency just gave us name card and told us to send our soft copy via email.. and the rest we have sit down and really fill up those employment form...

There is one encounter that really shoot me down...
V: Hi RG, so you are looking for permanent job... huh preferably which area are you looking at?
RG: I looking mostly into Mgkt Com.. PR... Byr... or Ops...
V: Looking at your resume, I find that it is not attractive.. it seem that you love to job hop...
(RG gave her a big smile, but heart was fumming with fire... )
---- well I dont see anything wrong in changing job.. well I would said that I am young and definitely we have to test water and see where we stand in and what we excel in.. sometimes I find that living here in Singapore is damn complicated...
Now a days, many advertisment and media strongly encourage us to look for enjoyment in things we do.. and no longer about working for the sick of working... thus in order to search for jobs that we really enjoy doesnt that mean we have to test water at different areas.. in order to understand what we enjoy and excel in... so I don't see anything wrong in changing.. DAMN IT!

Anyway.. I did have the good chance to talk to different job agency...
Guess I might end back doing what I have done before... as the pay is better.. and now I need $$$ badly.. and meanwhile have to plan carefully as to reach my bigger pics... NOT GOING TO WASTE another YOUTH IN ME!!!!!!

-------------------
Mmmm.. and nxt thing I wanna to comment.. Hello... cousin R.. yeah you.. who is reading my blog.. well read your blog.. well I know I am alwys the odd one out is because of you.. :P haha who ask you alwys set the standard so high.. you knw everytime M will compare me with you.. make me till I hate you man ... I label you as my bad cousin!
And regards to why our family is like that.. is simple.. one word TRADITION!!!! Rember the rules :
T= try talking back, you get slap
R = ranting kills you.. shut your pipe!
A = Agree to everything even your dun like
D= Disobedience will get you no where
I= idoits are consider gd quality for a child
T= Ten upon ten is what you shld alwys get
I= Inspiration are not allow in the family
O= Obedient is the key to success in the family
N= Never disregard the TRADITIONAL way of living...

Understand NOW!!!
Hope it helps dude.. but anyway now we are grown up.. dun hate you and others... love you guys... and now I have decided to burn the above rules... so now it has become FREEDOM!! lol...
Ok ok thats all...
Ps: Like your blog a lot...

Oooo La la

2006-02-01T16:52:00.000+08:00

Wow finally, CNY is over and manage to bluff through my way with latest strategic.. smile and say nothing.. it is a good way... giving people an undefine answer to their qns.. anyway glad I have gone through and fake it with flying colours..

and this CNY is also a good start.. as manage to be standing out person.. I mean in the limelight... causing a little small turbluent to my family.. well no choice its to get them to be prepared for the future... worst things are coming on their way.. muahahaha...

------

I hope that I can pull through this month of Feb.. and fingercross that I get a job soon.. if not I really go crazy.. and this week D mum and dad is coming to Singapore for a short trip.. D kind of ask me to join them.. sigh.. I am reluctant to.. D comes from a very good family.. His parents are lawyer.. his sister is professor and he himself went through Harvard and even completed MBA...
Well look at me... have nothing...

Sometimes wonder what I am good at.. maybe nothing... and sometimes that is one thing that slow me down from getting what I want..is because I think too much... i lost a lot of my freedom.. and opportunities...
Now looking myself going to be a quarter century old.. I have yet to achieve my goal.. what a shit I am..

Oh gosh look at me.. ranting again.. lol so sorry..

k lah thats all loh ;)

-----------
Guess what my same age cousin R... also have a blog.. haha.. this is the link http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A624570&entry=20316&mode

Cool man... ;)

Angry Gynae????

2006-01-27T16:23:00.000+08:00

Last year, few months back I was suffering alot from my M.. and it took me a long time to come to terms to see a PG.. and when I did I was relief and glad that I did..

Later on I post this on the blog and my cousin Y told me to check this blog out... Angry Doctor and the purpose .. not too sure actually.. Any way I read the blog.. soon after I am so addicted in reading it.. well its like watching E.R. or maybe better.. hence I recommend to you people out there.. Go and check it out man!

After reading a few posts from the Angry doctor.. I started to ask myself.. why havent any gynae doc or show ( something like E.R) but talking about pregnancy.. diffculties.. interesting incident.. blah blah.. or something like Grey anatomy with humor in it.. so far I have yet to find a book title :"the case studies of diffculties in pregnancy.." or "the true stories by gynae on delivering babies" mmm I really wonder why.. all these stuff were nvr told or written..

I wonder ... ???

Stop My Ranting...

2006-01-25T12:17:00.000+08:00

Hey... I just want to say here is.. I shall end my ranting here.. as I realise it is not getting me to any good.. Too much ranting really doesnt look good to me.. and what I want now is to STOP RANTING and move on.. move on to this new year 2006...

Cheers
X

Missing HIM!

2006-01-21T13:17:00.000+08:00

I misses his gentleness.. his soft eyes that would melt you down like an ice cream after it placed outside the hot sun for a minute.. his heavenly smile that lock you between his body and soul...

I misses him very much.. Many times, I wanted to go and visit him.. but whenever I was about to reach his doorstep.. my hands would be shaking and mind just kept yelling me to go back home.. you are too ashame to see him..
It is true.. I am too ashame to see him.. I know he will forgive me no matter what happen.. but the guilt in me kept saying no.. dun go... what more harm do you want to bring to him...

I misses that day, when he held my hand and let me down to the bank of stream and out of mystic forest..

Can't continue anymore.. as my heart is aching now.. it hurts.. it hurts very much.. I miss HIM.. I do.. I want HIM back.. I must let go .. I know I must.. But how...

Second Blog For 2006

2006-01-20T17:07:00.001+08:00

Guess what.. my this new year resolution is.. well its not abt look, health or even fighting to get a bigger boo than Fiona Xie.. but to get rid the ulgier side of me.. where its all bottle with anger and bitterness.. I get need to get this system out of me... as it is giving me a big time fucking problem.. I hve become mre and mre impatient with people.. people whom I dun knw.. where they bump on to your bag while squeezing through the crowded place.. where they cut your queue without signalling.. and I get real pissed off with them.. and all my fucking words will be out on them.. Damn it, I seem not be bothered whether they will hear it or not.. I jst said it ALOUD... "YOU BITCH.. or sometimes YOU BASTARD.." well this is the uliger side of me.. damn rude man...

Mmm the nxt thing I want to share is.. I met this wonderful lady at the gym that I always hang out.. wow.. this lady she has a washboard.. and I myself is working damn hard everyday aiming to get washboard.. so that I can stop admiring people and let people admiring me and envy the great figure I have.. (Yah one little thing.. I realised my boo went smaller.. damn it .. I guess the fats now have converted into muscles)... Anyway.. back to this lady.. she is liked me jst left her job after working 1year plus in a bank.. reason left is the same as mind..MANAGEMENT SUCK!.. and she is exactly also not working for approx. 2mths.. BUT.. she is smart woman.. she is making full use of her time doing stuff .. like networking.. venturing into business.. and damn it look at her.. she is making use every hr every second to make it worth while.. and me .. Feel sucks.. I basically sit down at the computer.. venting all my anger on this blog.. I wonder what great use I have done.. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

I love to think.. and I think big.. but putting in action plan.. oh man I am damn poor.. not too sure how should I go abt doing.. and for now what I can think for is.. find a damn fucking job that gives me a good $$$$ salary so that I can save up.. and invest in my dream... Well I guess I am back into square one.. sigh why do I hve to do things twice.. damn it.. why.. maybe I jst fucking idoit who has a problem of short sighted...

Angry as I can be.. but what is the good use of begin angry.. arrgh.. I don't understand..

Maybe I should stop blogging this type of stuff.. and carry on my life thinking positive.. but I find it hard and tough...

Everyday without hving a job is damn scary... fear alwys puts me down all the time.. DAMN IT...
why shld I like fear to this to me..

LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to .. I have to...... arrgh....

where is the croughing dragon and hidden tiger in me...

Damn it...

First Blog for 2006

2006-01-19T10:57:00.000+08:00

Arrgh.. I know it is a brand new year and I should be living in a happy mood.. with butterflies and colourful flowers surrounding you.. But too bad.. obviously rite now I don't have any.. and so what if I have? I don't think I will be enjoying it..

Cant believing living on the earth for a nearly half a century, my life still sucks.. this time round it is big time sucks! Sucks all the way.. damn it.. I hate it..

Many of the website I have gone to check on the description of my horscope.. its all bull shit.. :

* I never been a homely girl.. I love partying and clubbing.. many of my ang moh friends labelled me as "Party animal".. and my asian friends labelled me as "Chongstress.." well cant blame me for that.. for the last 17years of my life I have been kept in a damn freaking pathetic cage with no movement.. so since now I hve the freedom.. why not use it and not waste it..

* I never been a loyal person to sticking one partner.. well the way I said sounded like I am going round fucking people.. but thats not what I meant.. I still flirt even I am with that someone... but times I tried to be loyal to that someone.. but it alwys turn out that someone is a jerk or bastard.. Damn it.. I guess like my gf said bcos you are still now in a play mood.. therefore no guys will take you serious.. Oh yeah! maybe she right.. but think about it..why waste your life.. use it.. be fun and bold...

*I never been a cooperative person.. since my whole life is about working.. I learn to be a loud person.. if I not happy with you.. i shoot you down bluntly.. fast and furious.. I dun give a damn about their feelings.. as I am immune to mind.. since the day I am born .. I am begin condemnd.. jinx.. bitch.. slut.. what else .. well let all these words fly to me.. and I can tell you.. get the shit out here.. or u have a taste of mind...

Arrgh.. and these are a few points.. i have to strongly highlight.. I am no longer the angel or the next door girl.. tdy I gonna to something that will shock everyone.. LOL

This sat will be the show time..

Muahaha... evil laughter.. another side of me

Common Girl!!! Wake UP!!

2005-12-28T19:06:00.000+08:00

That's a good headline to start with.. trying to remind myself to be strong and stay on the light of positive....

It have been the 3rd week that I am out of job, since after I was back fired by the sly cunning old fox. If not of him, I would not have rush into leaving... I have yet to find a job.. partly because I wanted to catch up my breathe where the past one year , I have been running breathless on this job. Secondly, I guess is time for me to have sometime to myself where I am still single, no commitments or responsible to think over again what I want for my life. Look bact at the past four years of my working life, I have been like a lttle lost sheep banging into each open door I saw but none of them really suit me, but I do gain the experience from it. As I took a further step back into my younger days looking at the stuff I did, I always have been doing arts and writing. At the age of 13, I wrote a book and its called "My childhood nightmare.." its a very sad sad story.. but cant be helped I am alwys that sad.. I let one of my favourite teacher to read my book.. and she encouarge me to write more so that one day I will be a famous writer... So what happen? Guess I am a sadist which allow words from my close one to hurt me and bring me down eventually decided to give up writing.

But strangely after 4years, writing and drawing start to rekindle in my heart. There is a strange force that kept pushing me to walk into the light of passion.

Sometimes there were days, I asked myself should I follow my passion or should I fac the cruel working world. And there were the nights, I am so confident that I make the right choice, just do what the heart tells you.

Guess adding up all the days and nights, I still can't give myself a clear direction. Should I or should I not?

Neverthless, I will still keep writing, thats the only way it keeps me going but I am sure with the new 2006.. I will have a better grip in my life!

Cheers!!!

Reasons to be Strong

2005-12-14T12:17:00.000+08:00

The past few days, I have been busy cleaning up my room which was fully clutter up with unwanted items such as bags have not use for a century.. clothes that no longer in fashion and even books that I no longer would want to touch it again...
So while I was cleaning up, I found some old photos.. photos that were taken when I was 21years old with Mr DK.. Mr DK is a very nice, down to earth gentlemen but then I left him is because I couldn't agree with him getting marry in the next 2years.. and when I told my relatives and friends the reason why I left him.. many were disappointed, to them were like I losing a good man... At that age, I am still consider young and have more things that I want to do.. and definitely for sure it is a legal age for my mum that I am allow to make my own choice.. so why waste it... Till today, looking at this lovely couple photo.. i have no regrets of leaving him.. but it will alwys be a constant reminder for me why I left him.. and what shld I do right now...
After cleaning up the whole room.. I wanted to throw away some bags when i started finding "treasure" that have been hidden in my bag for a long time.. when I started looking through carefully.. some were old hair clips which are all now rusty.. some were old watches that went dead... and some were pocket size photos that werent crushed or crumpled...
Well, nothing bring back great memories by looking at the old photos.. there are one of them that were taken back in 16th April 1983 where it was my brother's 3rd birthday and it was like a sibling get together photo ( my second brother on my left, I am in the middle, eldest bro on my right) .. wow.. I dont knw why the longer I stare at the photo the mre heart broken I am .. tears started to roll down my cheeks.. i guess i am a too emotional person. Maybe I am.. maybe I am not.. bcos I hve this rush in me.. a hot burning flame burning in me.. and my heart is screaming and tearing me up.. I got to do something for them... I need to revive and kept my family's passion burning.. that was how I feel.. and now I am carrying this photo in my wallet..
And each time when I felt dishearten or seem to be drifted away from the reality, I would look at it.. and it will alwys give the feeling to be strong.. The need of me to be strong..

So i guess ... I am able to live strongly, independent tdy and not willing to say I am defeated is all bcos ...
1) God
2) my family
3) my passion

Cloudiness - Poem

2005-12-11T12:33:00.000+08:00

Cloudiness

Is there a word called Cloudiness in the dictionary?

If yes, I would like to use this word to describe myself at this hour,

My head was blurred and filled with uncountable clouds,

My mind was filled with millions and billions of people running up, down and across the road junction,

I tried crossing the street without getting knocked down by people,

But I was brutually pushed and hit!

Stop! I screamed at the top of my voice,

But no one would!

Words kept running in my bloodtream and just wont stop!

Everything in me just kept running and running even though its now past 3am in the morning!

Running and Running like a non stop 34hrs playback CD player!

This was what happened to me last night.. I can't sleep at all.. my eyes were wide opened, eye muscle just couldn't stop excersing itself, looking around in the dark. My brain were filled with noise, such as people talking, gossiping, laughter and even shouting. I tried closing my eyes hard and prayed that it would be gone within 15mins or so. 15mins passed, nothing stop!The inside noise was still in me.. Oh god! what was happening in me.. No response, maybe there was but it was covered up by the inside noise..

True Me- without falsely painted picture of Me

2005-11-22T14:00:00.000+08:00

Hey, I have been brain storming a lot on what to write for my new book soon after I finish my first children book. Its fun but time consuming to write a children book as you need to crack your brain to find the right words and pics to go with it.. Beside that, the colours that you use have to be full colour not 16bit colour or 24bit colour but range from 256 above.. thus to publish a children book it really cost a lot.. and the margin that you earn might be less I guess.

I have been so wanting to go into writing and thats my second biggest goal in life. My first goal is to be a child psychologist.. as for now I have been working on my first goal .. and not long ago I have started working on my second goal. Not too sure how the road will be like for my second goal, as things don't go smoothly as the way you want! BUT! I will be contended even I didnt make it as I am glad that I have taken the first baby step to get it generate.

As my life here in Singapore, it have never been a pleasant one. Basically, I guess I still holding onto my past and mourning about the unpleasant events that happen. This can replace by a word Self -Pity.. I guess I am.. maybe I am not..

The environment that I grown up in filled up with shouting, screaming, and demoralising words. Nothing at home seem to be in the right placed... brother don't get canned for begin naughty but I do.. brother get what they want but I get nothing.. Many people said that it alwys the lucky thing to be the youngest where you be pampered like king.. but not for me .. I work like a 'slave'.. Thus into my adulthood, I cant think of anything happy..and I alwys have to falsely painted picture of ME as I am outside. Every laughter and every joke that I make hide away my sadness.. nothing abt me is true till I got home..

Till today as dated below.. I am still like covering myself up .. but only review to people whom I close with and I trust.. it still a long way for me to reach to the stage to totally to let go myself and be truthful of who I am.. But in this road of where I am right now, I have truely learn a lot and mst imptly I am to gain back what I have once betrayed and lost..

What I need now.. is to look at things at different angle and see it positively.. think happy and hve happy thoughts.. Let go and that will be the true me...

:):):)

Just Like Heaven- Part 2

2005-11-17T09:30:00.000+08:00

Hey .. LOL.. I am going to continue what I have stop on Tues.. wanted to come in on Wed to write this blog.. was too caugt up with work.. but thank god my children are late today due to heavy rain eventually lead to heavy traffic..

Well mmm I guess many will say that what happen in the movie is just only a Reel life.. not in Reality there is no such thing.. Well base on the movie Just Like Heaven.. mmm yeah its a Reel life story but then on wednesday there is a true story base on Real life.. prove love is still the power of anything..

I am refering to this :
Japan's Princess Sayako Gives Up Title, Becomes Ordinary Citizen by Marrying Childhood Friend
TOKYO Nov 15, 2005 — The only daughter of Japan's Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko married a childhood friend Tuesday and began life as a commoner after moving out of the royal palace and giving up the title of princess so the wedding could take place.
Thousands of well-wishers cheered 36-year-old Princess Sayako as she was driven from the palace grounds to the Imperial Hotel, where she married Yoshiki Kuroda, a Tokyo city employee, in a low-key ceremony.
It was the first time an emperor's daughter had married a commoner, and the wedding was austere by royal standards. Afterward the former princess, now known as Sayako Kuroda, moved to a Tokyo apartment to begin life as a wife and taxpayer.

Evidence to show the power of Love :
* Sayako had to give up her generous royal allowance under a 1947 law that automatically strips female royals of their title when they are married.
*To prepare for her new life, Sayako took driving lessons and practiced shopping at supermarkets
*Sayako referred to the radical change in her life in a statement released after the ceremony, in which she said her father had told her their relationship would remain unchanged and urged her to respect her husband and his work
Look its true the power of love has change many people in many ways.. their thinking and even giving up what they used to have in order to be with their love one..

Isnt this touching? Who say that there is no such thing as true love.. I am starting to believe it..

;) ;) ;) ..

Gone to movie- Just Like heaven

2005-11-15T15:49:00.000+08:00

Hey today is such a beautiful day especially on my off day.. where the sun is shining high up in the sky after a dragging rain in the morning...

Ok enough of my crap.. i did something great that is gone to movie- Just like heaven..

Well I gonna gave you the sypnosis of the movie extracted from the yahoo:

here is the sypnosis :
When David sublet his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expected was a roommate. He had only begun to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman named Elizabeth suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes there's been a giant misunderstanding...until Elizabeth disappears as mysteriously as she appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she can walk through walls, she is convinced that she is still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.

My comments:
Two thumbs for this show.. I enjoy every scene .. and its a movie that filled up with humor and tears..
the sadest part is when Elizabeth woke up from her comma and couldn't remember David.. and David was real heart broken and left the apartment... But then David still help Elizabeth to complete her last dreams.. he design a very beautiful garden for her.. wow.. this show how truly David loves her.. well I wont say much.. bcos you guys out there who wants to feel like a human again.. pls go and watch..
But the best part was the very very last scene .. when Elizabeth's hand touches David's hand.... at that very moment all the great memories they have together start flashing back.. oh gosh.. and Elizabeth remembers David.. Yahoo.. big claps.. of course Happy ending.. See is the love that touches them drawn them together as one again..

Ok .. stop that.. LOL.. I have to surrender the fact that I am freaking romance person... I believe in true love.. maybe someone of u dont.. but I do.. and alwys believe that there is alwys a person out there who loved you deeply that willing to give up and just be with you.. I knw there is also someone out there who will take every opportunity to love you mre ... i knw that .. i just knw that.. i knw there is also someone who will stick with you through thick and thin.. and never give up on the love he believed...

I know that this sounds hard.. in our life we have gone through..
---- we falled.. we picked up again
---- we bruised.. we lick our own wound so it will heal faster
---- we thrown into deep sea.. we float and stay on top as to find a shore to land on..
---- etc...
but look into them again.. what make us stay on top isnt it because of someone who believe in us and love us deeply.. if not we will not be around..

This happen to me .. and I just want to keep it with me in my heart forever no matter what happen in the future.. but i do believe even i have my whole memory erase.. once i feel it again.. I will revive again as who I am .. Well .. i am refering is to : LOVE..

Thanks Mr H.. he was the one who show me love again.. when I was brutually betray by love and turning my whole world into darkness.. where plants wither and die without love.. His every action that shown me .. has watered me each time.. to let the seed of love that I once have to grow and stand up again...

Thank you once again. I do believe that you truly love me.. Just to say, I alwys believe no matter how far we are .. as long as two hearts join together.. our love will alwys be there...

Let Lord the God of Love to further water and nourish us.. Amen..

:x:x:x

Why.. ? Why..? Why..?

2005-11-12T08:35:00.000+08:00

I couldn't sleep well ysterday nite after gone to my friend's annual Uni gathering at S's place.. Well this is what happen:
" I sms M (my ex uni guy friend who is now a married man) a few days back to give me a lift to S place.. if it was possible.. and He was ok to pick me up.. So he did came and pick me up.. Everything was cooled.. even till we reached S place and even when we left S place..
While he was sending me back home, he kind of touch my lap.. I looked at him and reminded him that you are a married man and a father of 1.. stop behaving like u still single and available..
M went saying that just trying to have a fling with you.. thats all.. I looked at him and said.. look I wont want to be any 3rd party of it OK!

M replied : " Have you ever asked urself what happen if u caught your another half having a fling or even caught them on bed.. will you forgive them?"
My replied: "Well I don't knw it all depends.. who did he slept with.. and etc... So how abt u will u forgive?"
M replied: "Yes, I would.. no one is perfect.. so thus I will forgive..
I went slient for a while.. so he is trying to tell me is not a problem for him after all.. and at then end of the day he will still go back to see e other half and said everyone do make mistake.. so please forgive me..

Well he tried to be funny with me.. I said please act like a married man.. and stop behaving like MBA ( Married but Available).. So eventually when I drop me at my house carpark.. I jst hurried and took my bag.. said bye to him even without looking or turning back to see him..

I guess a leopard will never change his spot even though he is a married man..

So yst nite.. I kept tossing and turning.. and wondering.. y ...? Y..? y cld someone do such a betrayer thing.. esp to their love one..

Life is Fragile.. Fear linger around us all the time.. I understand .. gonna be strong

2005-11-10T10:16:00.000+08:00

Hey.. thank god for yesterday.. result was good and it too help me to solve my 3years pain problem on my rite side.. well the gynae is quite nice in explaining in everything abt my condition and while he was doing the scanning, he explained to me what we are looking at.. and in details..

The most impt thing is that I am fine.. and gonna be cool..

Final result.. I hope so

2005-11-08T11:42:00.000+08:00

I be going to see a private gynae tomorrow.. thanks to my aunt.. she has been helping me a lot and pulling me through this time of diffcult.. At first, I was reluctant to hve her help.. bcos I dun want to keep on depending someone like her to help me..

since young, she has been helping me a lot..
1) She will alwys bringing me, only me out whenever I go over to grandma's house.
2) She will alwys be buying great christmas presents not only for me but to others..
3) She will alwys be there willing to lend me her lending ears to hear my problem where no one wld..
4) She is the one who brought me to church, letting me to hve a better close relationship with God..
5) She is the one who help me and mum to get to knw each other better..
... and many more..
bcos of her great kindness.. I just cant accept anymre from her.. I hate to be owing be kindness.. I hate the fact that I have been absorbing her energy.. and not giving her back some... I dun wish to accept anymre from her..
But in my heart, I know that she is the only aunt that I can trust deary and who can keep secret for me...

and again.. I have been too weak to stand up and fight this battle myself.. I need help and I seek her help.. and again she has never fail to give me her help..

The great things she has done for me cant be said by a word Thank you..

and as for tomorrow check up.. fingercross may it be the final result that said "Nothing wrong with you".. :)

Will keep updating ..

x: x: x:

My Frozen Memory

2005-11-03T21:37:00.000+08:00

Today, while walking down to take bus home after my gym... I have vivid flashes of my past when I were 8years old. Sigh, I do not know why.. I tried recalling what happen before and after 8years old, but they werent as clear as what happened when I were 8 years old.
I guess even if I have to meet an accident and lose my memory, the only memory that wont erase .... :

M: "Look what have you done.. is all your fault.. if I have not help you to make the bookmark.. your ah gor won't scald himself.. " (M start canning me all over my body and I were jumping up and down asking M for mercy..) At that time, I really do not know or understand whats wrong with mum.. why did she cane me? what have I done wrong?

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M: "Lai Lai.. J come and eat the fried bee hoon.. try the fried chicken wing... Aiyo.. Ah Ju.. you want to eat or not.. wait cold aready not nice.. "

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M:"Aiyo.. who ask you to touch..? Not for you.. quick go do your homework.. Look at you this cannot that cannot.. what else can you do.. why are you so stupid.. throw my face.. look at your cousin R.. so clever.. you.. " Its not my fault.. I just don't like to study.. and beside that there is no one who can put in 100% on me to teach me.."

--------------------------------------------------------

M: "Wah see all red marks.. why you don't listen to me .. ask you to study hard.. pay attention and you cannot.. so stupid.. This coming christmas you don't anywhere.. stay home study.. see your bros so clever .. they are allow to go..." (M kept canning me while scolding me.. I kept asking for mercy.. at that time my tears are like spoilt water pipe easily drip..) Bcos of this I hate christmas.. I alwys wish christmas is not here.. bcos when christmas is round the corner you know that your penalty time is coming soon..

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M: "Wah .. why you go and disturb your ah gor.. why so naughty.. huh.. " (Its wasnt me who started off .. it was ah gor and again.. ah gor wont get cane .. only me.. at that time I hate M and ah gor.. its so unfair.. )

-------------------------------------------------------

Me: Ah gor excuse me I want to cross... (ah gor jst look away...) Ah gor please.. (ah gor still refuse to look me ..) So what I did what were try to cross over his legs.. when he purposely lift up his leg high to make me trip and fall.. and guess what ... I hit hard on the floor and chip of a corner of my right side front tooth.. I cried.. but ah gor get nothing.. no scolding for what he done..

---------------------------------------------------------

I kept asking myself this afternoon.. why do I kept remembering all this things.. I don't hate them now.. I don't seriously.. I do forgive them.. even though all my aunts and uncles can see that M jus dote on my ah gor and not me.. I still forgive her.. afterall.. w/o her I wont be here right..

But I do thanks M, bcos of her.. I have become :
1) a better teacher than any existing teachers on earth.. I am able to connect to them easily and play with them as their pals.. (When I were 8years old, I sweared that I will never do what my M did .. I be a better M.. and giving all the love .. encouragement as much as I can)

2) a better listener to every child I have come across.. and never look down on their little talks and dreams..instead became their pillar to lean on..

3) a patient person... learn to be very patient and kind towards others..

4) a more independent and understanding person.. who think for every little actions that she does.. and mking sure that it alwys be accordance to her dream.. Never give up.. persistent girl who always has it own believe.. "Miracles can happen if we believe.. focusing it well .. just do it.. and your reach it.. !! "

Well this is me.. now I understand why this memory have never been erased.. bcos of this it make me a better person.. ;)

Death is nearer.. my heart is bleeding profusely

2005-11-02T08:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night and few nights before I couldn't sleep.. I kept tossing and turning on my bed.. the few nights back I just stare blankly at my ceiling.. and when I close my eyes.. flashlights start gushing in..
This is what I saw :
-- I saw myself growing old very fast and kept asking myself what is happening.. I saw coffin.. I saw my photo.. and I am dying soon.. my soul was there standing beside the dying body.. and the other side of me.. I were asking myself what was it like to be a dead person.. what if.. and .. and.. lots of qns kept flooding into my mind..

when I awoke again.. I were shivering with fear.. is death approaching.. I asked.. I am scare.. never in my life I were scare of death.. why is this haunting me down..

Yesterday night.. I not sure what were happening to me.. I couldnt sleep at all.. I were in tears .. firstly fear has conquered me again.. the fear I have for is death.. Death seem to be getting nearer and nearer to me.. am I going to die? I asked again,.. I do not know.. only god know..
I asked god why me.. and why now.. why.. why.. why when I have the breathe to carry on to pursue my happiness.. why all have to happen at the same time.. My mind is confused.. and tears just start rolling down my cheeks.. I am still bleeding.. it has yet to stop.. the med that I took .. stop it for less than a week and it is back now again.. it is driving me crazy.. as bleeding has not stop at all and has continue to exactly a month.. I am scare bcos .. what happen if ... if.. I cant say anymre .. I am scare... But indeed yst nite I did hve a good cry out..

This morning when I woke up.. I told god that.. whatever I have pray and ask.. lord I leave it to you.. I going to live a life that have no tomorrow..so that it will push me to work harder and appreciate things I have in my life.. so lord .. please do prolong my life.. love you lord.. Amen..

:x:x

I wish .. I wish... I wish... I wish..

2005-10-29T17:53:00.000+08:00

Its Sat once again and back in school teaching my kids..
Its seem that things here are getting tense up..
Anger.. confusion.. tiredness.. are filling up this atmosphere..
Its easy to deliver the lesson.. but its tough whn you have to work on your weekends..
So far.. I manage to keep my mind on the right track as to distract myself from the fact that I am teaching on weekends..

But as for others, they are evoluting.. they are getting restless.. sigh weekends are here again.. can't blame them as they have their own families.. and thus its hard on them..

As for me.. I have nothing ..but have my wishes.. my dreams.. I wish I wish.. and thats what keep me going...

So what did I wish for .. well I wish for.. dont be surprise or shock what i wish for :

1) I wish that .. I am an old ancient girl living in the jungle where huge trees.. wild animals.. wild flowers.. surrounding around you.. and me wearing the tiger skin clothes swinging from one tree to another.. sleep at any corner i like and eat whenever I feel like .. and most imptly is peace on earth ;)

2) I wish that.. Mr H. mmm haha yeah its Mr H. what do I want from him.. let me see alot of things.. LOL countless of things even Santa Claus also cant help me too long wish list regards about him.. ... ... .. .... ... (*mst imptly is to MME).. go n guess what does MME stands for ...

3) I wish that.. before the age of 30yrs I be travelling around the world in 80days .. and writing books abt it.. beside that my wish is to be a famous novelist .. :) (*ps hpe it come true ;) )

4) I wish that.. I have a house build inside the middle of the deep blue ocean.. where everyday I be sitting next to my window.. and watchng big whales.. dolphins.. sea turtle.. octopus.. stingray and maybe merman..swimming pass me.. maybe once in a while merman can come in n entertain me.. :P

5) I wish that.. I can travel in the space .. and stay there for a week or two.. having coffee with Mr moon.. dancing in the glaxay with dazzling stars.. and maybe before I come back to earth I will bath at the milky way.. sounds great isnt it..

6) I wish that..
In the morning, when I feel like having the Amercian Breakfast, I sit on my aeroplane and fly to e famous cafe in US to have it..
later in the afternoon, I ask my pilot to drive the plane to paris to do some shopping..
and later in the mid afternoon.. going over Japan with my friends to hve high tea... and in the late evening I be dressed up to have dinner with Warren Buffet in his favourite restuarant to talk about business opportunity... and
at night, travel with Mon Cheri to Hawaii for a cool walking nite at their most beautiful beach...
That sound great ..

7) I wish that..
I get a heaviest and biggest diamond ring that can be find...

8) I wish that I am 39kg.. light enough for the wind to blow me to south africa.. to live and be as black as them.. I want to learn their basic hunting skills.. to kill and fight.. be a survivor...

9) I wish.. I want to wander into the Bermuda Triangle.. not going to care whats gonna to happen to me..

10) I wish that.... I am a dangerous lady killer.. going out killing those bad guys and robbing that wealth from them..

11) I wish that..
12) I wish that..

Haha not going to reveal too many..

Some sounded crazy.. but if you picture them in your mind.. you feel good about it.. LOL..

Ok lah.. Keep going.. for every single weekends.. thats have to come..

Cheers
xoxo

I wish.. I wish...

2005-10-29T17:21:00.000+08:00

Tough Life in Real Life

2005-10-22T22:33:00.000+08:00

Life gets tougher as you grow older..
Life gets misty as you start working...
Life get you caught in the maze where you get lost in it..
Tough Life In Real Life... no words can describe it..
-----------------------------------------------------
Yeah life is like this.. Chill out what you are yelling for..
I cant believe what I am doing now.. I am disguising myself as one of the M as to join a public forum where all Ms' don't use their real name.. they talk almost everything under sun.. their Hb, their Pchn, their MIL.. their MID.. and many mre.. and yeah very impt topic that urge me to join.. SCL.. well.. my job begin a tr, is to bring the best to PChn, to mould them and giving them a chance to enjoy everything while their are young.. While you are trying to put an effort in it.. their Ms' try to destroy it..sometimes they don't see themselves disruptive and destructive..
They can be happliy smiling at you and nxt moment commenting something bad abt u .. sigh .. sometimes I wonder to do they see our hardwork.. giving our best to their Pchn.. y do they have to be so mean to us?

I thought of switching line is bcos I love Pchn and feel that it mre relax and I can relax a lot as compare working with AD.. but I was wrong.. you fall harder then anyone do.. meanwhile Ms' make you feel like a fool.. thinking that they like you very much... I just dont understand.. if you don't like something abt us .. jst tell us straight our face.. begin a tr.. arent we suppose to face all this mean or not nice words? Why do Ms' have to make things so complicated?? Have they not realise what they do.. do affect their children in a way?

sigh .. pls pls dun do this to me.. if u have anything unhappy or uncomfortable .. just shoot me straight DOWN!!..

Haha.. sounded so angry.. well I am not.. this blog is to remind you guys.. please be truth to others if u meant good for others.. dun make it so complicated.. and if others dun like it .. then be it... as you have done your best ;)

Toulouse... Where is this place ?

2005-10-08T23:21:00.000+08:00

Hey guess what, I just gone to the net to search where is Toulouse? I knew that Toulouse is in France.. but I didnt know its the four largest city in France. Toulouse is not only the four largest city in France, it was also known as the city in pink.. mmm.. this puzzle me .. why is Toulouse is in pink?

You must be thinking why all of sudden I am keen to know where Toulouse is ... Well the answer is simple.. because my beloved Mr H lived there.. and I also planning to go over there for a holiday.. so yeah I got to know something about Toulouse ;)

I guess what I have found.. :

1) a city of the future and the high-tech center of the aerospace industry in France. It is home to two huge aircraft makers -- Airbus and Aérospatiale -- and the National Center for Space Research has been headquartered here for more than 3 decades.

2)In 1997, Toulouse launched an air and space museum (see the entry below for La Cité de Espace). Also making the city tick is its extraordinarily high population of students: some 100,000 in all, out of a population of 600,000.

3)An ancient city filled with gardens and squares, Toulouse has a stormy history. It has played many roles: Once it was the capital of the Visigoths and later the center of the comtes de Toulouse (counts of Toulouse).

This is the link to Toulouse map :http://www.frommers.com/images/destinations/maps/jpg/662_toulouse.jpg

Somebody help!

2005-10-07T09:00:00.000+08:00

Hey anybody out there who can help me?

Well its like this.. recently my M came (refering to the every mth thing).. and I kind of uneasy feeling.. during the first two days there wasnt much M.. and till the third day.. it starts to cos over flow.. its usually doesnt happen! The worst part is whenever I pass urine the whole bowl will be Bloody R, and wheneve this happen, I kind of feeling giddy. There was once I nearly fainted!

Oh gosh! I still feeling terrible, it seem that I have lost too much B. I tried checking with my mum yesterday nite, before I could ask her she gave me sulken face and ignored me.. I was real upset! I am trying to ask for help from someone who is dearest to me.. How could she just ignored me? In the end, I didn't talk to her.. I went to bed straight away.

Now today is my fifth day of M, I am still feeling the same.. giddy.. and still having the heavy flow.. according to the past.. my M will end on the 3rd day.. and now it doesnt.. and I am getting worried.. I couldn't bring myself to see a doctor is because of the cost.. so yah I am here to check out if anyone have the same problem.. and if you guys do have this problem.. or if you know anyone having the same problem as I do .. please please drop me a note on what should I do.. I really do feel that my blood pressure must be at its lowest now!

Sigh.. I guess I must eat lots of lots pig liver to replenish my blood level!

So please could somebody out there help me!

Thanks ! Merci Beaucoup!

Rainbow.. Flowers.. Butterflies.. Most impt I got the whole world in my hand :)

2005-10-05T22:42:00.000+08:00

It seems that I am pretty free to blog almost everyday.. LOL.. the true is not that I am free.. its I have a lot of things to write and talk about.. My life.. my dreams.. and many more.. and keeping in heart just burden me too much..

Right now for me, I have been doing lots and lots of workout.. instead of usual 1hr workout I will stretch it to 2hrs .. I just love to see the way I sweat it out.. I feel good after that.. Beside having an incremnet in my working out, there is a smooth sailing in my writing too.. I right now able to come out 3 or more titles to write on.. I guess this help to add the colours in my life...

Another good thing that I want to add on is, I am again back on track with ALmighty God.. and now adjusting back my life as I once used to be.. I am really very happy that I am again able to hear god's voice. I have been drifted away since after I fall into the love river.. thank god that He threw a life buoy to save me from drowning deeper.. I was able to be pull out at the critcal stage, where the sea was rough and heavy storm blurring my vision. Now look at me.. I am back again and to my old self.. thats what I am happy about.. Once again I see the rainbow in my world..

Mmm.. how I wish I am a butterfly..
"Butterfly, butterfly, fly up in the sky,
fly around the beautiful garden,
and dashing through between the gorgeous flowers,
living in a life that has no worries
and tanning under the sunny day.."
Beside able to fly around in the big sunny day, I wish that I can fly to countries and countries, with my little notebook on my left hand and little pencil on my right hand as I could keep a journey on the places I went. I want to write great stories about them. I want to write it in a way that it cause a hit in all around the world bookstores.. I want to write and write and write.. non stop writer.. creates hundreds and hundreds of books; having the nickname of best writer for fairy tales.. or maybe win the award of Nobel winning award..

Now my days are getting better, the colours in my life is started to show up and the world is now beaming at me and smiling at me. I got the whole world in my hand now ;)

Surely it gonna be a few more fantastic years to go..

I got the whole world in my hand ... La.. la..la

Who Cares!!!

2005-10-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

Who cares!!! Why do we always care so much of what others feel and think? Why can't we lead a life that we want and not having to face the music from our older generation? I don't understand, yes I know I must respect them and thats mean we must give up our whole life to them? No!! So when they leave the world who is going to be with us? No body except God Almighty will be with us.

Well living on earth for 24years.. and looking back at the footprint that left behind.. one conclusion I can make I have not done my best.. hundred of unwoven dreams which left behind are still waiting for me.. I can't turn back the time ... but I know I can do something now.. find new resources to complete the hundred of unwoven dreams.. I know I can't weave all those hundreds of them.. But at least I complete a quarter of it.. I not going to be disturb by what he say or she say.. I gonna follow my heart and Almighty God is sitting in.. begin the driver to take control of my life.. he is the only one that is everlasting.. and its because of him.. I started to see love and believe in it again.. if not life is full of irritable things that filled up and buried the kind heart u have.. SO I not going to let this happen.. life is not about how bad it is.. how unhappy u are .. and etc.. Cos right now, everyone is feeling that.. so it be common thing and no one is willing to work together to let it happen! When this happen.. people become too complacement and start generating this sentence : "Life is like that.. got to except.."

NO!! That's not true.. not going to except this anymore.. I don't want to run round and round in my life .. running in the same circles.. NO NO NO ! I wont let it happen.. gonna rock my world with my belief.. do what I greatly believed it is for me .. follow my heart.. NOT going to be a great liar in my life..

Going to create the best for MYSELF.. and when u do that .. u indirectly have a great impact on people who is around u.. so dun hestitate .. if u believe in something as long as it is good.. no matter how long the process.. gonna do your best and show it to the world.. YESH!!!

Everyday its Gonna be A Happy Day!

2005-10-03T14:51:00.000+08:00

Hey hey.. I gonna make the rest of my days as a happy day.. I have been real tired and caught up by work.. and have no time to rest .. even there were days I totally forgotten that I can smile.. I not exaggerating.. I believe those who work longer than me feel the same way.

Why do we always get caught up and upset about work? In the first place are we marry to our company? If yes , are our husband a faithful person? NO! thats the answer. So why get myself so in with it.. y work so passionately for it.. and at the end of day.. No body give you a good pat and say well done.

So now I have learn to let go a few things :
1).. everyday coming to work, is a new day for me.. no doubt there is gonna to have new challenges for me.. I still do my best.. my best in a way working smart and not hard.. if not I will lose out.. so not going to make the same mistakes that everyone make..

2).. people said that life is like that we gonna to except.. BUT I dun agree with that.. life is all layed in our fate.. so why should be complacement about it? The more people wants us to be angry and caught up.. the more we shouldn't .. So I am not going to give in to this.. so just let go..

So what do you think? I gonna make my life different and start adding beautiful colours into it!

Yesh! Its my life and want it to be the best!!!

We Belong Together

2005-09-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

"We Belong Together", is a song By Mariah Carey.. and everytime when I hear this on air, my heart will start to ache.. and all the good memories I have with Mr H. start flashing back.. and tears will then start trickle down to my face.. I am not exaggerating.. but this is the truth..
Last Sunday, I went to church and Pastor W. sermon was on "Bitterness", and he was explaining the need to remove this bitterness in our heart.. and how much damage it can do to our daily life and affect the people we loved. At one point, he was asking us to search our own heart to search for anything or any person whom have cause bitterness to you; forgive them. I tried searching every part of me, asking why I have not been believing love and have walk out of it.. It came to haul when Mr D. appeared... well I have found the answer.. I truly understand why I have walk out of it.. I cant put all the blame on him.. but now he belongs to the past .. and I belong to the present and the future.. so should I like this continue to hurt me?? Well definitely not..
I remember times when I am with Mr H., sometimes I do felt insecure to be with him.. as I do not know will be hurt the same way as what Mr D. has done to me... at that point, I am not strong enough to put this in the past.. so when I was with Mr H.. i was still holding the past.. and this is really unfair to him, I tried my best to erase the past and look foward.. but as times go by.. I slowly slowly walk out the shadow that I have with Mr D.
So now Mr H. is in France and I do miss him a lot.. especially the song "We Belong Together." the lyrics of this song touches my heart and is reflecting my real life that I am going through now.. the first stench :
I didn't mean it When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I did nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be Sitting here beside myself
This is true I never thought what will happen to me without his love .. and with him around.. I always think that I will be strong enough to handle this.. but I was wrong.. every gesture he make, touches my heart.. and every words he said is always resounding in my heart.. So indeed I was foolish.. to let him go like this..

I didn't know you
I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything I never felt The feeling that I'm feeling now
Now that I don't Hear your voice
Or even touch or even kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
What I wouldn't give To have you lying by my side
It is true I didnt know myself at that well.. as hurts blur up everything I have in my heart.. tears were always the one tiring me up before I go to bed..

We belong together
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
- this whole stench is very important to me as it reflects how I am feeling right now. When he left, I felt lost and I do not know what should I do.. Should I cross the road when it is red man or should I use a spoon to eat noodles.. everything get confuse... but it have been a month since he is gone.. so dont worry about me I am still coping well... I dont know what does Mr H. feel about the whole relationship.. will he comeback for me.. and does he feel that We Belong together?

Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place Baby nobody else
We belong together
-Since he left... I told myself that no one can ever have my heart except him.. nobody esle.. this is true I have no intention of starting a new relationship.. not because I am afraid.. but is because he is the one who open up my heart to love and he is the only one.

I can't sleep at night
When you're all on my mind Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me 'If you think you're lonely now' Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
-So when I heard this song.. my heart will always miss a beat..

I only think of you
it's breaking my heart I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things Crying Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside I need you
Need you back in my life baby
- Will you come back please? I dont know will he do that if I tell him.. But I know for sure is all abt me.. There are bubbles on my head.. will he come back???

Will you???.... Will you??.... I ponder
I wonder.....

Tired.. Tired.. Tired...

2005-09-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

I am all tired.. I really can't stand working with people anymore. They can be so nice with you at one moment and can be a dumb mean asshole in front of you. Everyday early in the morning, I will be wearing different type of face mask to work; none of them are happy face mask. I guess the only time for me to be happy is when I get the chance to work for no body.. and none of anybody need to work for me. I guess like I said before I am a lone ranger, working alone is nothing to me. I feel better this way.
But if I tell the older generation about my dream and complains, none of them will want to listen... there is always a saying that : "I ate salt more than you eat rice.." well I cant be bother anymore.. bcos at there time policemen wear shorts and now policemen wear long pants... so how to compare?
So changing face masks everyday to work is a tiring thing to do.. and what make things worse is you cant have your own mind when you work.. you have to always sit and wait for your boss.. for what?? To pass info to you, and without it.. you cant do anything.. even you chase them from the begin of the month and to the end .. you still dont get an answer.. so when they need something urgently they start chasing you like mad.. all fingers will start pointing at you.. damn it .. it now become your fault.
Its always easy to pass the shit down to the people that are below you.. and we are always the unlucky one who are at their bottom collecting their shit..
Damn it .. actually when you think about it.. I prefer to be a toliet cleaner.. rather than having a normal job.. its worse then anything.. So isnt our job equivalent to toliet cleaner ... and I think it is worse than it!!!

My heart Melt Away..........

2005-09-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

Now I understand why I couldn't forget Mr H. so easily.. I have received his hand written mail. I were overjoyed and delighted to read his letter. The last part of this letter really touches my heart. At that moment I felt like crying, I felt that France is just next to Singapore and I just want to run over and give him big hugs and kisses. I do miss him, but as time goes by, I am getting better and better.. not so much of lost. Definitely for sure, Mr H. will always have a special heart in my place. Guess you must be wondering what he has said to me and make me feel so loved..
Well.. this is the first time I ever met a guy who sincerely write this to me : " Don't change my princess. To me, you are very special and I hope it will remain in you for a very long... billion of kisses.." Isnt it touching? Where on earth in Singapore will you find a guy who will tell you this? They are always there constantly changing you, complaining about you.. and etc.. After all, I am not looking for a rich guy to get marry but someone who can "speak the same language" as you .. who can "get connected " with you. This is the basic requirement I am looking for .. and none of them are able to do that.. hence I kept myself with a golden shield.. to shield away from guys who said that they love me... and how sure can I that they do love me... but it was only till when Mr H. who came into my life and show me about love.. Despite the fact that our relationship can only last for 4mths he still treated as it is going to last forever...
I really hope that the Prince and Princess will have a happy ending.. live ever happily...

Watch out.. I am Back!!

2005-09-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh.. com'on everyone lets laugh it out.. didnt mean to stress you with my blog.. Didnt mean that it will bring down your mood man..

I am feeling better now and have been going gym regular to stress out my sweat.. so I would feel better.. Now I have more things to worry.. and this time round I going to make it happen.. No one can help you if I myself dont start helping myself.. dont u think so.. So everybody let's do the wave.. Up ... and .. down.. yahoo!!
Oh rite! Everybody let's move with.. 1 n 2 n 123 go.. shake shake.. shake your hip.. and then shake your head... let's do it together..dont be shy.. no one in the office will notice that.. let's shake your hand.. now put your hand up in the sky and put it down.. so are you now all warm up?? I can't hear you.. are you warm up now?? YES!!! Oh goody.. lets shake more.. shake out all your worries and stress.. yippe..

Hope this little shaking makes you guys feel better.. Take care everyone.. Love you

Another Lonely Night...........................***

2005-09-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

Sigh** is another lonely night.. where I have no one to talk to but Mr Moon.. I have been talking to him since I was eight years old. I remembered very clearly, every night I will be turning and tossing away on my bed.. as I be thinking of unpleasant things that happened. Each night I will be sitting up right on my bed looking out of the window... and what soften my heart was the beaming light he gave out and this made me feel secure ... He will be hanging high up in the dark sky with his glowing face while most of its sparkles friends will be surrounding him... I will be there ponder to him all my worries.. my sadness and even my happniess to him as I have no one to share with.. Sigh** maybe I am born to be a lone ranger.. maybe not.. I don't know.. and I also do remember that whatever grudges I have and bear, I will cry it out in the night, where no one could hear except Mr Moon..
When the night is dark, I feel that I am standing alone.. with no love.. no life in me.. I am just like a pale sheet hanging on the clothes line, trying to absorb the moon energy as to fill me up for tomorrow.. I really wish and did pray that.. I have someone that is beside me that could share this lonely night I have.. and so it won't be that lonely..
Till Today, I still love my Mr Moon.. he is the only "person" that have been keeping accompany and have never left me .. when I need him badly...

Great Responses

2005-09-12T16:55:00.000+08:00

Oh gosh.. ha ha I have no idea that previous blog that I wrote got such a great impact on people I love. Well firstly is my cousin Y and then my close gf C.. sigh what can I say? Every body have their strong point and weakpoint. .. thus only through this blog I can show others what are my weak point. Hence when I am standing in front of a crowd I have to show my strong point.. only through that you find comfort in you.

Today.. is really a bad day for me.. especially at my work. Well I am just a OE (Operation Executive) what do you expect me to do.. I am just like everyone sitting here to help people to get their things done and whatever going to happen up front is not going to be my business.. But people do take things for granted an can be a real selfish pig.. thinking of themselves only... and start getting high and making my life diffcult. I find it getting harder and harder everyday. People are giving more and more of their shit problem by refusing to do things that required them to do. I can't do my job if everyday I have to face human problems as my obstacles.. What they say I must listen and expect me to take immediate action.. that is shit.. and I wont do it..
What I can say is I have enough!!

Arrgh.. I need air here.. and could someone kindly bring in 10 huge tanks of oxygen for me.. I can feel that I am going turn blue..

Help!!!!

No idea...

2005-09-11T21:19:00.000+08:00

I have stop writing for a while, basically is because I have nothing to write. Nothing comes into my head, my mind is blank and my life is greyish but I won't said its dead. At this point, I don't understand why my whole body is feeling numb for the whole week. I can't perform the usual 100% of me. Sigh** I can't even pick myself up to go to gym in the morning.. I kept giving myself excuses that I need rest and I will do it tomorrow.. but when tomorrow came.. I again push it away till this sunday.. Wow!! I have break the record of not going to gym for a week.. What a great record!

Sigh** Beside breaking that record, I have broke another record.. I nearly went drinking for a week.. me was having this urge to drink .. not drink for enough but drink to get myself high. I don't know why I do this, but my heart is right now feeling empty, feeling lonely.. just like air supply song, All out of love.. Moday I went to Harry bar for a drink. I sat at one corner drinking quietly while trying to concentrate on my book that I have started off writing.. sad to say I can't think of anything thus I finished my beer and I went over to my favourite place Balacava and hoping to find some familiar faces.. Too bad the usual people were not there but except the usual bartender, I again have a few drink before I decided to head back home. On Tues, it was my off and I again went to New Asia Bar for a drink as they are having happy hour from 3pm-9pm.. On wed.. I went to clarke quay and drank a few liquor and wine.. On thurs same thing happen, and drank the same thing that I have on wed.. and finally on FRI came.. i started feeling very strange.. My energy is totally drain off.. feeling weak.. and sometime I do feel giddy. I really do not know what is happening to me.. I can't believe that this is happening to me.. first time in my life I felt so weak physically and mentally. Seriously, I do not know why I am feeling like this. Even typing this blog I took almost an hour and a half to complete it.. this is pretty long. Sigh I hope the next week .. I be fine and recuperating..

Guilt!!

2005-08-29T11:31:00.000+08:00

*God I really pray that Mr A.. will forgive me about the past..*

This guilt has been with me since last year when I broke up with Mr A. Well.. it is hard for me to tell anyone what actually what happen. I know it is silly of me to actually believing someone and not standing up to ask Mr A. the truth. I do ponder what happen if I really do that, what will happen? But I guess for me I like to run away.. dislike facing the real problem.. or even bother to solve it.. I always believe in my intitution.. but sometimes it do get me into trouble.. sigh and it did.. I can't wish that I could turn the clock back .. or wish that it didn't happen. But this whole situation definitely going to leave me in guilt and I do pray that Lord will soften his heart .. I really need his forgiveness.. forgive me for walking out of his life without an explanation.. Anyway.. I do believe what goes around will comes around.. I will always remember this lesson..
I need a peaceful mind right now.. can't let my mission be blurred.. Please Mr A. forgive me and hope that you be blessed with lots of love.. take care..

Wake Up Time!!!

2005-08-26T09:14:00.000+08:00

Guess What!! Yesterday was the last day with Mr H. Well you must be thinking that it was last two weeks I wrote that he will be gone forever... Hee.. hee I guess I have exagerrate a bit.. he actually he went over to aus and bangkok for holiday. Basically, he did a lot of drinking, sleeping and less walking. Hence when he touch down in Singapore, I could say that he put on "lots of weight"= "belly begin formed" haha look like he is 5mths pregnant.. So I guess when he gone back to France, most of his friends will be shocked.. or maybe start teasing him that the food in Singapore must be real good and thus you are well fed.

So yesterday, I did a good job, I controlled my tears at the last part when he was about to departure.. I standing straight watching his back view diminish through the glass door.. till finally my heart said, "Its over.. wake up now.." and what left was Mr H last word, "It is nice to meet you.." That is the end of the chapter with my romance with Mr H. at least things ended well.

Well.. *yawn* let me stretch my leg and hands, wiggle my toes and fingers .. let's declare : Wake up!!!!!"

First Trip To JB

2005-08-18T08:49:00.000+08:00

Guess what on 16th August 05.. at 1000, I headed down to JB with my colleagues.. This is my first time ever been to JB after rotting on earth for 24years.. The feeling of getting out of town is good .. but coming back here make me feel sad.. and lost. The feeling of lost is still there. Sigh.. But nevertheless I did have a great trip at JB.. my first time is like the first time in Batam.. Wow.. the roads the cars and etc are so much similar but except for the exchange rate.. Hence my overall conclusion is still good to go to Batam to "shop for free" and "eat for free".. hee ..
Wanna see what I took while I am in JB.. haha it is kind of gross.. but hee..

Look at the toliet kind of look like you are shiting in the prision...

Look at me.. yummy yummy in my tummy..

First Day

2005-08-14T00:24:00.000+08:00

Well today is the first day.. first day of not having Mr H around me.. he has finally got onto his plane starting with his new journey.. exploring new things in his life.. I am pretty happy for him that he got the chance to fly down to Asia and starts a new journey for him before he goes back to his own shaggy home in France.. But its sad for me because he is no longer beside me.. I am starting to miss him terribly.. because we used to lunch together .. and now he is not by my side.. No more smooches.. hugging and no one there to call me .."Princess.." I miss him now..
Today is going my first day.. how am I going to survive throughout this day.. without having the chance to see him at all.. Its now driving me crazy.. up the walls.. I must confess that I do really love him a lot.. and hope that we can have one more time to be in one another arms.. I miss you Mr H.
Just to let you know right now my loneliness is killing me!!! Tears is now starting to roll down to my rosy cheeks.. sob sob in slient!

The Reason

2005-08-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

There's many things I wish I didn't do. I know it is wrong, but just couldn't stop myself from falling into the deep dark well. My hands are bleeding profusely but it still didn't stop me from digging. Nevertheless, I still keep the part of the bright light in me so that I can continue learning... I never meant to do those things to people whom I love deeply and dearest to me. And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you all to knowI've found a reason for me... To change who I used to be... and a reason to start over new and the reason is you... I'm sorry that I hurt you guys deeply...

It's something I must live with everyday and all the pain I put you throughI wish that I could take it all away... And be the one who catches all your tears... And be the one who will be standing outside carrying umbrella when you needed one.. to protect you from the scorching sun and the bitter rain... Thats why i need you to hearI've found a resaon for me... I'm not a perfect personI never meant to do those things to you all ... And so I have to say the reason to show a side of me you didn't know... Its all because of you... and it is also because of the pain that hurts me so deeply..

All I wanted is to have.....

Lost and Found

2005-08-02T05:02:00.000+08:00

I am pretty lost today after hearing from Mr H. is going to leave me soon and flying back to his own country, France. Mr H. is quite a tall man with the height of 1.90m and medium size body. When I first met Mr H. it was at DC, where I usually hang out there to have my lunch when I am very broke.. I always see Mr H. at DC buying his favorite food.. I only started noticing that when he actually caught my attention.. It was an unforgettable one. So as each time when we saw each other at DC.. we will be saying Hi and Bye.. basically just this few polite greeting we pass to each other.. So what trigger off?? As for me, when I get to know a person, I just wouldn't want to just say Hi and Bye.. I wanted more like getting to know the person better.
So during one of the usual afternoon lunch at DC, I pluck up the courage and talk to him.. and first thing we did was to exchange our no.. so from that day onwards we started off sms each other day and nite.. and that's where it trigger off.. We went out with a few dinner dates and drinking session.. Eventually.. we get closer...
During the past few months of going out with him, I find that he is really a nice guy to be with.. despite the fact that both us are having different culture, different understanding and communication barrier.. Everything is still okay.. He is a real gentleman who loves to surprise you with flowers and dinners.. It feel so good to be with him.. as he try to make you feel special when you are with him.. I really love that kind of feeling..
So when today when he told me he is leaving soon.. my world just sank to the bottom.. it is still floating yet to sink.. but I know I can let it go.. at least we have happy moment together..
Now what I can do is do count the days till he be gone..
Despite the fact I am lost, but I know i will gain something.. but what is it?? I am not sure.. As my heart is still blur with the lost I am hving right now...

True Love....

2005-07-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

In the olden days, where our mum and dad grew up in.. they truely believe in true love and some in fated love.. once the woman has married over to the man, she had to work for him for life without any complains..

In this new era, things change.. mre and mre people believe that fate is in their hands an which they can manipulate with.. True love and fated love are no longer believe, it have been banish forever and ever in this era..

I myself is very skeptical about boy girl relationship.. I have seen many and experience a lot.. it hurts me a lot when a relationship didnt work it out well..its like a knife piercing through my heart.. I hate that.. i really hate that feeling.. But during each relationship, I have learn to be stronger and learn to manipulate it.. after all it is true love is just a game.. If you play with it, play along and win each level.. till to utmost where you achieve the key to marriage... thats where the start of the big gamble.. as for me I not really a good player, just an average.. I eventually will still lost out.. as I get too emotion easily....
I have a few close girlfriends around me who are also a gamer in this field.. some got to the big gamble, some lost out and having to pay the long life debt ( hving a child)... some still cruising on the level... for me I just cant be any of the player above.. I hardly could believe in love.. no matter how sweet the other half is.. i feel that I still have to be aware.. Because I hate the feeling of begin hurt.. the sharp pain I have.. that pierce through my heart...It really hurts ...
Many told me this is only the beginning and there will be more to come and soon you be immune to it.. Who knows you might one day got into the big gamble.. maybe you be cashing out a lot.. Well as for me.. who cares.. abt that.. nobody.. all they want is nothing making out of nothing..
Sigh.. my heart hurts again.. when I type this.. but thinking back the life I once have not having to take part in the boy girl relationship game.. I am much much happier..

Future...

2005-07-12T07:45:00.000+08:00

Well.. yst I took leave on sun.. as I am very tired having to rush down to work after my church.. hence I have decided to do something different for myself..
The night before I was thinking what should I do, I have been cracking my head and just can't find a solution.. just then around 10pm, my very close gf J text me and telling me how much pain she is having right now.. she was down with high fever and cold.. and tummy cramp.. I pretty worried for her as she is right now having her first baby that is still under the first trimster so things still not quite settle down for her. When I heard that I kneel down and prayed for her, I asked god is there anything I could do for her, if yes please let me know.
So the next day morning, when I woke up I saw her text that she send around 5am saying that her fever didnt went down instead it crept up 38degrees celsius. After reading her sms, I got change asap and went to her place to check on her.. and my whole sunday I was taking of her.. keeping her accompany, making sure she take her medicine.. and she sleep well...

Something struck me.. and kept me in my deep thoughts..
Well, J is going to be a young single mother without having a stable job... I wonder how her life is going to be?? I really wish that I can help her.. but I myslef is financially unstable.. At that moment, I start looking back at my family.. and I start questioning myself.. what happen if they need emergency cash.. where are they going to get this money from..Borrow?? No!! of course not..i told God that I alwys want to be for them.. how could i let them suffer like this.. No..No.. my head get shouting and screaming..

I just sometimes hate myself begin like this.. all this while I have been telling myself do work hard and smart so that I get rich faster.. and most importantly is having things of my own and for my family.. I want them to start enjoying.. but look what have I done for them.. nothing.. I have wasted the last 3years basically doing nothing.. how could I...

I got to do something.. stop giving EXCUSES.. Wakeup !!!

I want my future,.. !

Birth Of Me Myself and I..

2005-07-02T07:51:00.000+08:00

Sigh.. we are now into the month of July.. just now I was reading my horoscope from a ZZZ magazine and it was telling me to have getaway on a beach... enjoy the sun tan .. but I dont know what should I do.. I want to go for a holiday alone.. with no one.. do my own exploration.. should I or should I not do it.. I wonder..

I guess it must be because of... hee hee.. can guess??

Well it is because of my birth coming soon.. so thats why i feel so restless not sure what to do for myself..

Sad... Sad.. Sad...

2005-07-02T07:32:00.000+08:00

A few weeks ago, I got to know this taxi driver, D.. D is a man with a fiesty temper. Why do I said that...?? Well I remember clearly that night I was having a diffcult time to hail down a taxi.. and most of the taxi driver wouldn't want to pick me up because of where I stay BKC.. But finally at the last draw when I was about to give up, I manage to hail down D's taxi... But what puzzle me was there was a guy in front of me got into D's taxi.. a few minutes later the passenger got out..

So while on my journey back home.. he was complaining how rude the passenger was and why he refused to pick him up.. and poor me who was very tired.. just nodded my head helplessly.. but after a long talk with him.. I do understand why there were such a great hatre and sadness in him.. well the story goes like this : .............

" I have been working in this XXX co for over 20years as a maintenence ... My job scope was to do repairation on anything.. but as years go by things change and my workload are increased.. from a maintenanence to despatch to cleaner to gardener and many more things but my paid just increased bit by bit.. Sigh after doing so much things for the co.. I was begin fired as the director do not like him.. " sad for him.. and that's why there is so much anger and sadness in him..

I quite agree with him.. when he said why should we work hard and sell our whole life to the co.. when in the end they just shoot you with a gun and you are fired.. so he told me not to work hard but work smart.. and now I could see he is working hard for his family but not for anyone that is unrelated to him.. I do hope that luck and prospersity comes his way..

Before I reached my BKC, he gave me his handphone no, and he told me to call him whenever I want to take a cab home.. I told him I will and definitely will.. at least he wont charge me for calling him.. :)

Lazy Sunday

2005-06-27T08:47:00.000+08:00

What a lazy sunday it is... Yawn** sigh I am still stuck at work.. and sigh.. sigh.. I just couldn't stop myself from thinking.. I love my job as a fun teacher.. teaching young children thru play.. but this fun teaching is going to end soon... when June say good bye.. I am gonna to say good bye too... Bye to all my sweet heart darlings..

I can't do anything to stop my boss S from removing me from my children.. as I am temporary fun teacher.. To him, as long as he found a teacher.. he will continue to carry out his E plan.. without understanding a need of a child.. sigh.. what can I say.. he knw nothing about children and he is running an Enrichment center.. does this make sense.. no it doesnt.. Bcos of this.. most of the good teachers are leaving us one by one....

How I wish.. I wish.. I can take over P.. and be the best to all the teachers and my darlings...

Me , Myself and I

2005-06-26T08:47:00.000+08:00

Me, Myself and I.....

I am a freaking person who carries a very light weight Canon Digital Ixus i5 camera around whenever I go. So the pic at my left, was taken while I am on my way for a party.. I love this pic.. as it give you and me a floating feeling.. I am passing by..