Y am I doin this to myself?

Waking up feeling heartbroken again and I guess this week is goin to be a tough week for me..
even though I have to work for four days only...

It is the midweek and still feeling broken..

I am lost and no idea what I should do?

H can you tell me what are you thinking of?
Tell me please.. I am goin crazy everytime I think about it..

I misses you so much.. my whole life is slowing down and soon it will come to stand still.. w/o next to me.. I just feel so difficult..

O Lord.. hear my cry and lead me to him ...

Four years later and I am back

Four years later and I am back on this blog.

I feel so tired and hate myself a lot..

Me and H are no longer as a couple but I just cant let it go.

I love him so much this memories I have I refuse to erase and I just wanna hold on to it forever...

But I know by doing this I will lost all my smile, my laughter, my feelings.. and I become a lifeless person who just looking forward the next day and the next day.

I love you, H and I not sure you ever remember my blog? I tried to delete it.. but I just cant..

Memories with u and me kept holding me and hopping that.. we can be together again..

Drowning in my own dream

been long time..
so long that i cant even remember it anymore..

I frozen part of my dream and part of my me is locked there too..
I kept running round in circles.. and not able to get out the dream maze i constructed for myself.

I fallen so deep that even when i am awake i still feel part myself in it..
part of me so afraid to be awake.. and fear to lose it..

the dream i have with you is so clear like crystal clear that i even believe that we were meant to be together..
i am not obsessive but is the dream that kept repeating itself.. to and fro..

the white wedding dress..
the white church..
the bed of white petals lying nicely on the walking lane..
you were there.. in your white suit.. smiling at me...
but as i get closer the further i was from you..
and you still standing there.. smiling happy..
for what reason are u so happy.. when i couldnt get close to u...

Hi and Bye

hi and bye to you follks I hve make up my mind and leaving this blogging! I hve found better place that will help me mre on inspiring to move towards my dream! and many thanks to all folks who read my blog..
Special thanks to my cousin.. Love you lots.. will let u knw where i hve gone but wont announce it here! Hve my own reason...


N special evil thanks to Miss T! I really cherish your friendship while working together with you! I hve to be sorry and be mean to you! I will not forgive you for all the things u done! I alwys believe in Karma what goes around will come around! Maybe not nw! but I knw it will! I hve been wanting to write this to you for so long! If I do this too serious, you start bitching abt me! Go ahead and do it! My conscience is clear! Very thk you for your "Kind little action". May it be Karma back to you 10times!

That a very special thanks to you!

Thanks around!

Sure glad to be bck here

Hi Everyone,

Iam bck and bck for gd..

Hve been busy though and i guess is not a good reason.. any way I hope u guys didnt forget me..

chat with u guys ..

Love

Losing my Sense

i am Losing my sense in drawing.. it has gone worst whn i getting bck drawing Victorian paint.. I feel lost right now and I cant find back the magical connection that I once used to have. I do not know why or how this happen??

I have the vision .. I have the pics.. I can feel the emotion of it... but the drawing jst not right.. I could see the vision clearly.. but then on paper it turn out all wrong.. Why .. why is this happening to me ..

I am losing my sense.. the sense that I once to have and proud to have..

Its seems to be "deteroriating.." and its like another part of me is "vanishing" away..

I fear that this day will cme .. whn I cant draw and write anymore..

Maybe you wont understand.. but soon you do .. whn u realise the passion u once have .. hve been drawn away frm you .. day by day without your notice...

Strange feeling

Its AGAIN been a month I have not log into blog..

It have been a tough month for me.. where I have to juggle betwn going hospital to look after my dad and work.. I cried many times whenever I sees my dad in such a bag of bone stage..
Sigh what has happen...

Tdy waking feeling sad and tears kept wanting to dash out.. but I put it to a stop.. Guess I am tired or maybe I just sick of staying where I am right now.. Just wanna get out of here and settle down in a rural place.. where I can sit down just watching the train goes by..

Well that only a "fantasy" that I alwys have when I just wanted to shun away frm my responbilites..

Been thinking.. what has stopped me from breathing to my dream world.. is it the work?

Mmm.. sometimes I just want to do 100 and one things at the same time.. as not waste any single day of my life.. But too bad I AM!

Sickening me.. writing this sickening blog..

Sigh.. when I JUST STOP begin so sickening..

Get up BITCH.. time to work you way..

Sounded like i am insercuity of life.. Well I dun knw..

Moving on now..

Monday a MC day for me

I hve not been logging for a while to be exact - 1mth 5days that is how long I have been blogging on. One simple reason is I am so tired down with work that freezes my brain from blogging!

21st Aug - it is a struggle for me to get myself out frm bed due to the bad cough I am having during the nite! I only manage to get into dream land when its time for me to go to work! Sigh.. I sms my mentor telling I be on MC.
Instead of getting real solid rest, I plan it a day I be out blogging n running on the threadmill! i just cant sit dwn n relaz n do nothing.. it jst make me feel more sick and nauesa.. getting real solid relaz.. will make me feel better! :) Sounded like I cheated on my MC.. (chukle).

It have been a good day so far where I basically do not hve a mind of work but a mind thinking and reworking on my plan in getting rich and fit at the same time!
I would say I love working where I am but then the pay really doesnt allow u to survive.. thus I should look into greater details.. how shld I go about churning n multiply my salary I hving! Well dun get the wrong idea I would dump my salary into Toto or 4ds or gambling footballs.. that definitely not my cup of tea.... Well I starting to work on it and if it really succeed definitely I will blog abt it and let the whole blogspot knw abt my success ;) Haha I sounded so cocky!

Running.. panting.. avoiding..

Work right now are getting heavier and more responsbilities to carry on my shoulder. Every day is a routine for me now to get to work at 7am and knock off at 7pm.. this the life that I am rooted to and I not happy about it.. Reports, reports are all I have to rush and meet the deadline.. Well I would say some reports are just useless and redundant.. but what can I say.. I just a small fried ikan bilis waiting to be eaten up.. Due to the sitmulanteous of work load, I start to acting not myself... I became hot temper easily and vent my on people around me unnecessaries.. sigh..

Whenever things get crazy and nothing seems to go my way,I tend to go into hibernation by locking myself in my room. And I know if I keep acting this way every time a difficult situation comes up, I will never be able to conquer the obstacles in my life. What I kept reminding myself, "What I really need to do is face my troubles and fears head-on. There are up and down points in life. I must learn to deal with the down points. If I keep ducking from them, I will miss out on a great deal in the long run."

I dont know how long I can survive like this.. I guess it is time for me to learn yoga.. :)

Dreams.. my Strange dream..

Dreams continue to be a big part of my life today.

Yesterday night, I have a very weird dream..

I dreamt that I was on a half day leave due to the fact I was really sick.. I wanted to cross the busy road to get to other side to catch a bus home.. but then both of my feet was numbed and couldnt move at all.. each time as the road was cleared, I tried to cross.. but my leg just couldn't help me.. Soon after a few attempt.. my leg start to move freely, thus I took this opportunity to run across.. jst then in the middle way through.. my leg started to feel numb again.. oh gosh.. Worst still there were two buses coming at my direction.. I kept telling myself.. 'Run quick Regina.. Run.." I miss the first bus.. but not for the second one.. but then..soon when I awoke .. I was in another place.. lying on a double decker bed that made of woods.. and saw the window hanging two beautiful sunflowers but in the middle was an attached of flower..
When I awoke, I started to feel my leg to ensure they are not numbed.. yeah they werent.. BUT.. I saw red spots all over my pair of legs.. started from my thigh and run down all the way to my ankle.. it really freak me out.. and infront of the double decker.. I saw a Chinese doc lady talking to this 100kg man.. who seem to have some illness too.. The Chinese doc lady.. was telling him to take this .. and that.. and on the table it lay differnt types of fruits.. I felt strange and decided to walk down.. and the chinese doc and the 100kg guy seem to be busy and didnt took any notice.. so when I stepped out of my room.. I saw my mum.. and she took was taking similar medication that the chinese doc was recommending.. I walked up to her and started complaining abt the red spots found on my leg.. and then.. I woke up!

Isnt it strange.. but wat really caught my eye was the two stalk of sunflowers with the purple flower in the middle.. what is that.. i wonder.. but then to interpret this I must.. read up on all the symbols that i see in my dream.. as to give a bigger pic.. sigh..


"It is likely that you have been having some unusual ones lately, and you can't help but wonder about their significance. You may be fascinated by what you discover. And remember: dream interpretation is an art, not a science. Do your research to get a general idea about the meanings of things rather than trying to do a direct interpretation. "