Exhaustion...

I think I am gonna break down soon due exhaustion...
I have been stressed up the past few months.. and I have been making myself suffering from unnecessary anixety, stress and lead to depression...
Tdy I woke up early and told my close gf C.. that I am going crazy.. bcos nothing seem to be rite at this moment..

Such as my job.. my finance.. and even my relationship with D.. I am gonna crazy.. At this point.. I would said I am in my darkest period.. where I refuse to go out and even I want to I will be damn tired.. Wo zhen de heng wu li...

The more dry up the more I went to be with D.. but then I guess like what my gf C said D just treat you like a good friend.. if not why would D want to meet up with u on Sun and thats all..
Well, I expected that do happen.. I guess I found a wrong person to lean on.. sigh..

I am waiting for my class to start soon.. it will be real soon as just nxt mon.. and I cant wait for my modelling class to be end... and hope that I (fingercross) get lots of assignment to burn my weekends.. Guess this is the wrong timing to have a relationship...

Despite the fact that I am not working.. but sometimes when I go for my workout.. I feel breathless... and suffering from migrain.. and it hurts sometimes... why this happen.. bcos I think too much and over work my brain.. Guess I should learn yoga.. get my mind clear and straight.. sigh...

My ranting is starting again.. Ok no more .. full stop here NOW!..

Mariah Carey- Fly Like a Bird

Title: Fly Like a Bird Somehow I know that
There's a place up above
With no more hurt and struggling
Free of all atrocities and suffering
Because I feel the unconditional love
From one who cares enough for me
To erase all my burdens
And let me be free to
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Can we recover
Will the world ever be
A place of peace and harmony
With no war and with no brutality
If we loved each other
We would find victory
But in this harsh reality
Sometimes I'm so despondent
That I feel the need to
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need You now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Keep your head to the sky
With God's love, you'll survive
[chorus]
Fly like a bird
Take to the sky
I need you now, Lord
Carry me high
Don't let the world break me tonight
I need the strength of You by my side
Sometimes this life can be so cold
I pray You'll come and carry me home
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me higher, higher, higher
Carry me home
Higher Jesus
Carry me higher, Lord

Mariah Carey- The Diva

Hey yesterday.. despite the fact that I am real broke and left a few hundred dollars in my bank.. I still went round the CDs shop to look for Mariah Carey's CD.. I don't know why but having the urge to hear her voice again...

I like her songs very much as some of them are compose by her and the lyrics will always be filled with her emotion, feelings and even meaning. Definitely I wont forget that terrible years that she has been through.. where she faces divorce.. a few break up.. despite her image as slutty..or maybe bitchy.. but she is a woman will only fall in love for one..

Well back to my day yesterday.. so I started off walking through Bugis Junction.. looking for her CDs.. guess what since after that Grammy award.. the price to pay her CDs shot up.. oh man.. damn ex abt $20 plus... but I was looking at below $10.. Nah I didn't buy from there.. so I move on to Bugis Village.. wow I am damn lucky man.. there is this stall selling it as 9.90 with come with a biography that talk abt HER! Of course lah.. I straight away took out my $10 and bought it.. No regrets man..

Since when I was 9yrs old, that was the first time I am in touch of English music.. and I rember the first song that heard was "All out of love", by Air Supply.. and soon later I started to fall in love with English music and start tuning my radio to FM98.7... and that was where I started to fall in love with Mariah Carey.. Celine Dion and many others..

But I still find that Mariah Carey still suit the title of Diva.. why I said that because I saluate to her great voice.. figure and even her life.. I remember at the recent Grammy award.. she said this:" Thank god.. that He came into my life. I am able to stand here is because of him.."
Yeah I fully agree..

Actually my life and Mariah Carey's life have similarities.. such as :
* we didnt really have good childhood..
* we worked hard to keep our family alive..
* we matured too fast for our age..
* we are suckers for relationship..
* we love butterflies..
* we yearn for happy ending..
* we look bitchy... but we don't flirt..
See really we have lots of similarites.. and her turning point of life is soon after she hit badly with her marriage.. and kept pushing herself.. working hard to fill up her sadness.. where eventually finally in 2001 she nearly broke down.. the finally cause when her father died of cancer.. where media started to hightlight her life.. where she has mentally and physically breakdown..

And now look at her.. coming back as one good DIVA.. see thats what I am impressed about her.. she has gone through so many turblence and still manage to stand tall.. why can't I do that too?

Look back in my life.. I think my down is not worse than her.. I have no marriage downs to worry.. but I am really sucker for relationship... I just wanna to find a guy who I can rest on when I am tired.. I just want a happy ending.. why is this so hard for me..

Has all the good guys out there being taken up? Sigh..
Sorry to say that.. yesterday night.. before I could sleep soundly.. I have been thinking.. :
* why doesnt D say the 3 words to me? or he is too scare?
* i saw D first gf.. and i realise that I do share similarities with her.. I wonder am I the substitue?
* why dosent D miss me?
* why.. why.. why.. ?
Oh gosh.. see I am worrying for nothing.. I should stop that.. but I guess is hard.. sigh..
Anyway a few mre days to go.. I will be starting my course.. hopefully I am detached from D!!

Age 25- Is that another turning pt of my life?

Remember when I was 13years old, that year was critical to me as it determine life and death. Thank god, He came into my life and save me. From that day, that year it became my first turning point of my life.

My great changes during that year was tremendous. I disciplined myself to study for at least four hours and even drew out my own time table on what subject to touch on for the day. I spent my hours wisely and removed the need to watch drama series that was hot on the TV. Soon later, my result has prove to others that I AM NOT STUPID.. and every year I manage to get scholarship from the government.

My teenage life went well.. didnt went astrayed even though I alwys hang out with a group of drug addict.. ah lians.. even in gang. I was really determined to get my life straight and proved to M that I am not as bad as she alwys think I am..

But I guess.. and didnt notice that.. my life is going down slope.. when I started working out.. There wasnt much trouble in finding a job soon after I graduate.. and also no trouble for me to job from one job to another. I have taken my life lightly.. and started drinking and clubbing as much as want..

shop till I drop.. play till I drop was my my motto..

I guess I should have saw the red alert but I chose to annoy and continue my life as dun worry that lot of cash outside.. and beside that it will nvr be a problem for me to find another job..

Finally.... CRASH!!! I fall real hard on the field that filled with weeds.. It hurts.. and my whole body was bruised and wounded... and when I gain back my conscious.. I still refused to face the fact that I going to be hit badly.. I still continue to live a life that I believed..

I would said my pride was high.. my face was as thick as cow skin... and I refused to let myself down..

Month passes by.. the need of $$ was there.. and fear start creeping into me.. I started spending my time in St Andrew Church.. praying for God's mercy for me.. I was scared.. I felt so alone and cold.. Insomina also started visiting me night after night...

Then one night.. I realised something.. I have learned a value lesson...
: I am a damn bitch who refused to live a humble life.
I am a damn bitch who refused to believe that you pay what you work
I am a damn bitch who believe in striking rich fast...
and the next day, I went to church and so happen that have this sermon on The purpose driven.. something in this sermon struck me.. "To be on the top.. is not an overnight thing.. it is through humble and years to be there... " yeah I agree.. and all this while I was stupid.. alwys believe that I be lucky all the time...

Guess what this year is not going to be lucky for me .. but definitely it is going to be my turning pt of life.. definitely..

I will alwys keep this in mind:

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."

Now I going to give myself 5years.. this 5years gonna be a good one.. as I not going to forget this day.. how I got myself in this deep shit!!!

Lust... and Desire.. Aint e sme?

A few days back.. I was busy sms A during one of my sleepless nite.. Why did I sms him? Well of course there are reasons in everything I do..

I dont want to become the third party into A's life.. like I said before I treat A as a friend and nothing more.. beside that I thought that after talking things out and remain as friend is a good choice.. but it seem that it did not get into A's brain.. A said that he wants me and blah blah..
I told him isnt this lust? and his reply was NO..its desire.. Duh.. what do u mean there is a different betwn lust and desire.. NO I dont think so..

Lust is not a nice word as compare to desire.. this is what I define.. so in conclusion they are the same.. no different..

And any way this how I feel about D: Despite your wild imagination and your overflowing energy, Regina, you are still able to use good judgment when it comes to your relationships. Is it possible you have lost some of your faith in the future recently? Do you feel like there is something missing in your personal life? If you know just the right to path to take, love will revitalize you and give you back your faith in life. ( seriously I do not knw)

Guess I mst be stressing myself too much.. relax.. breathe in and out.. ;)