My Frozen Memory

Today, while walking down to take bus home after my gym... I have vivid flashes of my past when I were 8years old. Sigh, I do not know why.. I tried recalling what happen before and after 8years old, but they werent as clear as what happened when I were 8 years old.
I guess even if I have to meet an accident and lose my memory, the only memory that wont erase .... :

M: "Look what have you done.. is all your fault.. if I have not help you to make the bookmark.. your ah gor won't scald himself.. " (M start canning me all over my body and I were jumping up and down asking M for mercy..) At that time, I really do not know or understand whats wrong with mum.. why did she cane me? what have I done wrong?

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M: "Lai Lai.. J come and eat the fried bee hoon.. try the fried chicken wing... Aiyo.. Ah Ju.. you want to eat or not.. wait cold aready not nice.. "

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M:"Aiyo.. who ask you to touch..? Not for you.. quick go do your homework.. Look at you this cannot that cannot.. what else can you do.. why are you so stupid.. throw my face.. look at your cousin R.. so clever.. you.. " Its not my fault.. I just don't like to study.. and beside that there is no one who can put in 100% on me to teach me.."

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M: "Wah see all red marks.. why you don't listen to me .. ask you to study hard.. pay attention and you cannot.. so stupid.. This coming christmas you don't anywhere.. stay home study.. see your bros so clever .. they are allow to go..." (M kept canning me while scolding me.. I kept asking for mercy.. at that time my tears are like spoilt water pipe easily drip..) Bcos of this I hate christmas.. I alwys wish christmas is not here.. bcos when christmas is round the corner you know that your penalty time is coming soon..

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M: "Wah .. why you go and disturb your ah gor.. why so naughty.. huh.. " (Its wasnt me who started off .. it was ah gor and again.. ah gor wont get cane .. only me.. at that time I hate M and ah gor.. its so unfair.. )

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Me: Ah gor excuse me I want to cross... (ah gor jst look away...) Ah gor please.. (ah gor still refuse to look me ..) So what I did what were try to cross over his legs.. when he purposely lift up his leg high to make me trip and fall.. and guess what ... I hit hard on the floor and chip of a corner of my right side front tooth.. I cried.. but ah gor get nothing.. no scolding for what he done..

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I kept asking myself this afternoon.. why do I kept remembering all this things.. I don't hate them now.. I don't seriously.. I do forgive them.. even though all my aunts and uncles can see that M jus dote on my ah gor and not me.. I still forgive her.. afterall.. w/o her I wont be here right..


But I do thanks M, bcos of her.. I have become :
1) a better teacher than any existing teachers on earth.. I am able to connect to them easily and play with them as their pals.. (When I were 8years old, I sweared that I will never do what my M did .. I be a better M.. and giving all the love .. encouragement as much as I can)

2) a better listener to every child I have come across.. and never look down on their little talks and dreams..instead became their pillar to lean on..

3) a patient person... learn to be very patient and kind towards others..

4) a more independent and understanding person.. who think for every little actions that she does.. and mking sure that it alwys be accordance to her dream.. Never give up.. persistent girl who always has it own believe.. "Miracles can happen if we believe.. focusing it well .. just do it.. and your reach it.. !! "


Well this is me.. now I understand why this memory have never been erased.. bcos of this it make me a better person.. ;)

Death is nearer.. my heart is bleeding profusely

Yesterday night and few nights before I couldn't sleep.. I kept tossing and turning on my bed.. the few nights back I just stare blankly at my ceiling.. and when I close my eyes.. flashlights start gushing in..
This is what I saw :
-- I saw myself growing old very fast and kept asking myself what is happening.. I saw coffin.. I saw my photo.. and I am dying soon.. my soul was there standing beside the dying body.. and the other side of me.. I were asking myself what was it like to be a dead person.. what if.. and .. and.. lots of qns kept flooding into my mind..

when I awoke again.. I were shivering with fear.. is death approaching.. I asked.. I am scare.. never in my life I were scare of death.. why is this haunting me down..

Yesterday night.. I not sure what were happening to me.. I couldnt sleep at all.. I were in tears .. firstly fear has conquered me again.. the fear I have for is death.. Death seem to be getting nearer and nearer to me.. am I going to die? I asked again,.. I do not know.. only god know..
I asked god why me.. and why now.. why.. why.. why when I have the breathe to carry on to pursue my happiness.. why all have to happen at the same time.. My mind is confused.. and tears just start rolling down my cheeks.. I am still bleeding.. it has yet to stop.. the med that I took .. stop it for less than a week and it is back now again.. it is driving me crazy.. as bleeding has not stop at all and has continue to exactly a month.. I am scare bcos .. what happen if ... if.. I cant say anymre .. I am scare... But indeed yst nite I did hve a good cry out..

This morning when I woke up.. I told god that.. whatever I have pray and ask.. lord I leave it to you.. I going to live a life that have no tomorrow..so that it will push me to work harder and appreciate things I have in my life.. so lord .. please do prolong my life.. love you lord.. Amen..

:x:x